Roller Coaster

I really would like to be done with this stupid emotional roller coaster now.

Thursday, I was having an awesome day until I got the phone call.  I spent Friday crying off and on all day, completely devastated.  Saturday's appointment had me hopeful again - follicles were more developed on CD14 than in previous cycles, and I had lovely triple layer lining.  And then ... I woke up this morning, and although I haven't gotten the official word from my doctor's office, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust.  My E2 came back at a whoppin' 19.  Nearly nothing.  For two 12mm follicles.  I'm crushed.  I'm expecting a call from the clinic tomorrow to make plans for what comes next.  Yesterday, the plan was to come in for another date with the vag cam if my E2 was decent, and if it was a little low, the appointment would be bumped to Tuesday.  With it coming back so low it's barely on the charts, I don't know what the plan will be, and it sucks.

I spent an hour this morning laying in bed consulting Dr. Google, which didn't help very much.  I was hoping maybe somewhere I would find someone with a similar experience saying they added in new meds mid-cycle that helped.  Or maybe that they started taking a supplement that improved their E2.  I didn't find those things, and now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out where my life is going this week.

B has been such a rock star husband through a lot of this, and I don't tell him that enough.  He's becoming really good at saying the right things at the right time (which never really was his forte before).  I'm also lucky enough to have an amazing friend who I can vent my frustrations to, knowing that she understands 100% and she's not going to say something stupid, like "just relax."  I'm soooo looking forward to our Skype date later this week - I need some perspective.

To finish this off, I'm sharing this video that I came across a while back.  I have heard pretty much every single one of these gems a million times in the last 2 years, and it never stops being annoying.


P.S.  I think I need to send this video and this link about IF etiquette to so many people I know (like my mom).  It's great information.

Canceled

This cycle was officially canceled on CD22 (last Friday).  I went in Friday morning for a blood draw to check on my estradiol level - it was low on CD13, still low on CD16, slightly higher on CD18, and then plummeted again on CD22.  It never broke 100, which was definitely not a good sign.  My wimpy E2 has been the bane of my existence for a few months now.  I actually remembered to ask my NP if there was anything that could be done to help it improve, but she said the only way to help it would be to increase my Clomid dose next round and hope that my follicles grow faster.  Yay.

So now we’re pretty much back to square one, which totally sucks.  I have to admit, I wasn’t really feeling this cycle - it just didn’t feel the same as the ones when I actually did ovulate.  I was super surprised at my mid-cycle scans when we saw 2 growing follicles - I wasn’t expecting to see any good one, but of course they had to fizzle out and be disappointing, as usual.  At this point, I’m surprised when something good happens rather than the opposite.

Regardless of my low expectations, I’m still bummed that this cycle was such a waste.  We’re getting down to the wire - if I have a cycle in March, it will be our last chance to have a baby in 2013.

I like even numbers better anyway … :)

Blood Work 2.0

I got the call from my NP’s office this morning - my estradiol level was pretty low (103 - it needed to be closer to 300).  Womp womp.

Another e2 test was ordered for today.  This time I was able to have it done at my local clinic, so B didn’t have to take more time off to take me to yet another appointment.  I’m so glad it worked out that way - I feel really bad when he misses work for me.

Anyway, the nurse at the clinic had to take the blood from the same side as it was taken on Saturday (lefty) because the vein on my right side wasn’t cooperating.  I already had a lovely looking bruise in the crease of my elbow - it’s going to be even more glorious later tonight.

I’m not feeling as optimistic about this cycle as I was on Saturday.  I have a feeling that the results of this blood test will come back lower than it was before.  Maybe the next cycle will be more successful - it has to be, right?!  (I know the answer is no, it doesn’t have to be … but I’m trying not to think negative thoughts)  This process is really taking a toll on me lately - I need it to be over soon, but I’m not willing to give up.