Blog Challenge Day 6: Biggest Infertility Pet Peeve

When it comes to infertility related pet peeves, I have sooo many.  Obviously there are the classic cliches - everyone knows how annoying it is to hear "you just need to relax," "want one of mine?" "you're lucky because you can still sleep in late, go out drinking, etc." or my favorite, "are you sure you're doing it right?" (Um, yes.  I've had some practice.  I'm pretty sure I know which of our parts are supposed to go together to make a baby - hint:  his thing does NOT go in your belly button.  You're welcome).  But the thing that irritates me the most is when people suggest that we jump ahead to treatment that we might not need or that isn't on our radar yet.

I can't even count the number of times I've had well meaning people say they would be a surrogate for us.  I know they say with with good intentions (and it's usually in a joking manner as well), but it really offends me.  We haven't even done our first IVF yet.  As of now, we don't have any evidence that my uterus can't support a baby - we have a sperm meeting egg problem, not a uterus problem.  If that changes, then we'll be open to exploring other options.  Surrogacy is such an amazing gift, and if it ever comes to that, I'll be so happy to know that there are people I could turn to (although let's be real, I'd go through an agency), but at this time, it's not appropriate to offer or suggest.  So far, I've had a gentle approach when it comes to handling the "offers" - we're not at that point yet, but thanks.  It's only a matter of time before I start getting snarky about it - that might be the only way that people realize it's NOT COOL.

Along the same lines, I've heard so many times about how we should "just adopt."  Adopting isn't something you "just" do - it takes a lot of thought and soul searching, a lot of patience, and a lot of money to bring a child into your home as your own.  It's great when couples feel compelled to adopt, that their family wouldn't be complete if they didn't.  Right now, that's not us.  And the most annoying part of "just adopt" is when it comes from fertile couples, with biological children of their own, who have no interest in practicing what they preach.  B and I are at a point in our lives where, first and foremost, we're pursuing treatment that will hopefully result in us having a child who is biologically related to us (as I said before, if that doesn't end up working out, we're open to exploring other options).  When people who have biological children suggest that we adopt, it feels like they're saying that we don't deserve that biological connection.  Obviously I know that isn't usually the intent, but it certainly does not feel like a supportive suggestion in that circumstance.  I would love to turn around and ask the people suggesting we adopt why they haven't.  I can only imagine how they would respond (I'm sure not favorably).

I'm not sure what it is about opening up about fertility issues that makes outsiders think they know the answers.  It's so annoying to constantly listen to their misguided attempts to solve problems that they aren't educated about, or to the advice that they so freely give out that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.  It's disappointing to see so many articles and blog posts about what not to say to someone who has struggled with infertility, especially considering that so many people still say all of those thoughtless, insensitive things.  And then we (infertiles) get the reputation of being bitter.  You'd be bitter too if people said stupid shit to you all the time and you had to grin and bear it.

</rant>

Also, please go check out Mercurial's blog.  She has been participating in this challenge with me, and she is such an amazing, eloquent woman.  Go show her some love.