To My Husband

Happy Birthday, my love.

Roller Coaster

I really would like to be done with this stupid emotional roller coaster now.

Thursday, I was having an awesome day until I got the phone call.  I spent Friday crying off and on all day, completely devastated.  Saturday's appointment had me hopeful again - follicles were more developed on CD14 than in previous cycles, and I had lovely triple layer lining.  And then ... I woke up this morning, and although I haven't gotten the official word from my doctor's office, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust.  My E2 came back at a whoppin' 19.  Nearly nothing.  For two 12mm follicles.  I'm crushed.  I'm expecting a call from the clinic tomorrow to make plans for what comes next.  Yesterday, the plan was to come in for another date with the vag cam if my E2 was decent, and if it was a little low, the appointment would be bumped to Tuesday.  With it coming back so low it's barely on the charts, I don't know what the plan will be, and it sucks.

I spent an hour this morning laying in bed consulting Dr. Google, which didn't help very much.  I was hoping maybe somewhere I would find someone with a similar experience saying they added in new meds mid-cycle that helped.  Or maybe that they started taking a supplement that improved their E2.  I didn't find those things, and now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out where my life is going this week.

B has been such a rock star husband through a lot of this, and I don't tell him that enough.  He's becoming really good at saying the right things at the right time (which never really was his forte before).  I'm also lucky enough to have an amazing friend who I can vent my frustrations to, knowing that she understands 100% and she's not going to say something stupid, like "just relax."  I'm soooo looking forward to our Skype date later this week - I need some perspective.

To finish this off, I'm sharing this video that I came across a while back.  I have heard pretty much every single one of these gems a million times in the last 2 years, and it never stops being annoying.


P.S.  I think I need to send this video and this link about IF etiquette to so many people I know (like my mom).  It's great information.

Kicked While I'm Down

That's probably the best way to describe how I'm feeling.  This week was the one year anniversary of medicated cycles.  Not exactly the kind of anniversary a person would want to celebrate.  I was trying to not let it get to me, but then, last night ... a bombshell.

I don't even have the words to talk about it right now, but it inspired a blog post by B that blew me away (go read it.  It's perfect).  It served as a perfect reminder about why I love him so much.

Quickie

I have a few more substantial drafts simmering on the back-burner, but I haven't had the time or motivation to actually finish and publish them yet.  Hopefully those will be ready soon, but in the meantime, I have a quick TTC update.

Wednesday afternoon, I had my baseline ultrasound (it was CD4) and I was given the all clear, allowing me to start the Letrozole right away.  On her way out of the exam room, my RE asked how I was doing on the Metformin, which really confused me - I've never been on Metformin.  After I explained that to her, she said that if this cycle doesn't work out, then next cycle we'll add Metformin to the cocktail, and that was the end of the appointment.  Tonight will be my last dose of the Letrozole, and so far I haven't noticed much - maybe a few twinges here and there ... I don't know.  I really hope that I have a decent reaction to the Letrozole - this is getting exhausting.  I just want things to work out for once.

Aside from that, it's been a sad week - a close friend of mine got some really devastating news at the beginning of the week, and my heart hurts for her.  If you could spend a minute to send prayers or vibes or whatever you're into, it would be very much appreciated.  <3

Memorial Day Weekend

B shared this with me on Friday, and it was too hilarious not to share.  Thank me later :)

I thought we were going to be enjoying a nice, low-key holiday weekend.  I should have known better.  Our usual huge Easter gathering didn't work out this year (mom was ill), and my parents were out of town for Mother's Day, so my mom suggested we have a Memorial Day BBQ.  I was under the impression that it was going to be a smaller gathering - my parents, sisters, and maybe grandma, and the in-laws.  Ha!  Not even close.  My brother and sister-in-law don't have to work, so they're coming up, and my sister-in-law's grandpa, my youngest sister's boyfriend, and one of my close friends and her 2 children are also joining us.  Our house is going to be crammed full of people in a couple of hours.  Yipes!

B and I spent the better part of yesterday cleaning the house - it was nowhere near ready for company.  It actually looks really good right now, hopefully it lasts more than a day.

Have a groovy time this Memorial Day weekend, friends!

Issues

Last week, I finally bought something I've been lusting over for months now ... a subscription to HGTV magazine.  I have a feeling B and his dad are going to have a bunch more projects added to the list for this summer.  Anyway, I had been watching subscription rates for a while, and when they dropped to $15 for a year's subscription, I knew it was the perfect timing.

What I didn't realize when I purchased the subscription was that it was for print only.  Martha Stewart tricked me.  With my Martha Stewart Living magazine subscription, a digital copy of every issue from the subscription was available - at the time, I didn't have my iPad and I couldn't get it on my Kindle Fire, so I never used it.  When I finally bought the HGTV subscription - post iPad purchase - I was really looking forward to my free digital copy, only to be let down when I realized that I would have to pay a couple dollars an issue for the digital version.  I did a little research, and found out that if I want to, I could switch my subscription to digital only, and now I can't decide.  If I keep the print subscription, I'll be able to tear out pages I like and share my magazines with my mother-in-law (she was pretty pumped when I said I ordered the magazines - she's a huge HGTV fan).  If I go with the digital subscription, I'll get the issue sooner, I won't be contributing to the death of trees, but I also won't be able to share, plus I think I'd kind of miss the feeling of the glossy magazine paper.  I hate making decisions.  First world problems.

This debate that I'm having with myself very closely reflects a conversation that B and his friend had during one of the earlier episodes of their podcast regarding their preference between print or digital content, specifically discussing movies, comic books, and video games.  The general consensus was that digital copies are convenient, publishers of different forms of content are creating the digital files anyway, so people should have the option to buy premium packages for a couple extra dollars to have access to both (like most film companies offer Blu-Rays with Ultraviolet codes or just the Blu-Ray disk for a slightly discounted rate.  The same should be offered for books, magazine subscriptions, etc.)  I'm definitely the type of person who prefers to buy the physical copy of a book - there's something about a bookshelf full of things I've read and enjoyed that makes me happy.  On the other hand, I also love the convenience of having content available on my iPad or phone rather than carting around a heavy book (my purses are stuffed full as it is).

I feel kind of awkward asking questions because this blog gets so little traffic, but what the hell ... where do you - my few but dear readers - fall on the digital vs physical copy spectrum?

Break

Holy eff, it's been a while since I've posted anything.  I guess writer's block managed to get the best of me (it doesn't help that this cycle has been boring as hell), but I managed to dig up some motivation - and I'm back!  For now.

Tonight will be my 4th night of Provera, which gets me one step closer to the next cycle - thank goodness.  It will be interesting to see if I notice any differences between Clomid and Femara (aside from not getting those damn hot flashes).  Better follies and eggs would be fantastic.  We'll see in a few weeks I guess.  I need to work on writing down questions I have for the doc, because everything pretty much flies out of my brain when I have my feet in the stirrups, staring down the vag cam.  The number one question on my mind right now comes from a place of confusion - thanks nurses.  When I called to ask for the Provera, the nurse said they'd put the order in after I took a blood pregnancy test (negative, obvi), and then once the Provera worked we could start my Femara/Follistim cycle.  I don't remember my doc saying anything about Follistim right away ... I don't know if it was a mistake or I misunderstood the doc at my last appointment, but I need to get that sorted out for sure.  I really really don't want to have to give myself injections, and I know there's no way in hell B would give them to me ... ugh.

I had to "come out" about my infertility to one of the administrators at the daycare, which I really didn't want to do.  Our summer schedule will be starting soon, and I wanted to make sure to request the same hours as I had last summer (6-12:30) so I would be able to get to my appointments when necessary, and I figured the only way she'd take the request seriously was if I gave her the full explanation.  I expected compassion, considering she's a mother of 2 young children and we work in child care.  That was stupid of me.  It took 2 days for her to email me a response, and it was disappointing at best.  She was "so sorry to hear about the situation" and would take that into consideration, but she'd been having meetings with the rest of the staff and taking notes on their requests too, so the outcome is TBD.  Thanks for the answers, much appreciated.  [Eye roll]  I guess if they're not willing to work with my appointments, I'll have to make a decision about my future with the center.  We can't really afford for me to not work, but there's no way I'm going to take the summer off of treatments - I'm not going to lose 3 months because it's inconvenient for them.  I've sacrificed a lot for this job, but this is non-negotiable - I will not sacrifice my fertility treatments for them.  Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

There has also been some positive stuff going on while I've been taking my blogging vacation.  B bought a new (refurbed) TV - 70 inches of HD in yo face.  It's pretty awesome, even though we really didn't need a new TV.  B had been watching sales for months looking for the perfect giant TV, and when he found the offer for this one, I just told him to go for it - my princess gets whatever he wants (love you, boo).  I really can't talk though, because I got a pretty expensive new toy too.  We finally took the plunge and bought a dishwasher (hallelujah!  I hate washing dishes).  We bought it last weekend, and it sat in it's home, not hooked up to anything all week, until yesterday.  B's dad came over to set it up yesterday morning, I put my first load of dirty dishes in yesterday afternoon ... and then we found out that there's an issue somewhere along the line - the dishwasher wasn't getting any water in it.  Pops is supposed to fix it sometime this afternoon when we grill out for Mother's Day.

I have been on a blog reading bender lately - I came across a blog that was really funny and interesting over NIAW (one of my friends posted a link to it), and then from that blog I found another and another and another ... and now I'm following like a dozen new blogs written by amazing women (and some of their husbands) about their journey through infertility.  The sense of support from the infertility community is amazing.  In an overwhelming time filled with medications and procedures and stupid advice and heartbreak, it's nice to have somewhere to turn where there are people who understand.