Clean Slate

With the new year approaching, it's about time that I reflect on the past year, and make plans for the next.

I am my own worst critic when it comes to evaluating how I did with my goals and resolutions.  I usually think I did a terrible job, but when I actually step back and look at them honestly, it turns out I didn't do half bad.  My goals for 2013 were pretty much all rollovers from 2012 because I didn't really focus well on my goals and failed to follow through (one of my top priority goals, ironically enough).  I know that a major part of my focusing problem has been that my goals and resolutions have always been hard to measure.  I'm hoping to change that a bit this year.

Goals for 2014:
- Read 1 book/month, and track it on Goodreads.
- Make healthier choices most of the time (80% healthy, 20% not so much).  This means balanced meals with smaller portions, less junk, drinking more water, attempting yoga videos 3x a week, and tracking activity on Wii Fit U.
- Set up a cleaning routine, get organized, and stick with it.
- Start a regular blogging schedule (or at least try to post a little more frequently).  Also, comment more on other bloggers' posts.
- Save more, spend less.  Get impulse purchases under control, plan meals weekly, use coupons, and shop sales.
- Write more - pen and paper style.  Spend more time being creative.
- Start (and finish) a scrapbook - or several.  I know I want to tackle a family yearbook, a mini-album featuring special Christmas ornaments, and I should probably get our wedding pictures arranged nicely somewhere too (it's only been 3.5 years ...).  Possibly make albums for our vacations, and work on my book about our house.
- Use a photo-a-day app, and keep up (at least 4 pictures/week). Take more pictures with B.  Get pictures printed once a month for scrapping or hanging in frames.
- Spend quality time with B - unplugged (or mostly unplugged).
- Learn something new.  New recipe, new craft, new skill - whatever.

So there they are ... kind of a lot of goals, but I'm hoping I can manage.  I think it will help that I'll have a good friend supporting me and keeping me accountable with frequent check-ins.  I need that.

2013 had a few highs and a lot of lows - I'm more than ready to move on to better things. Please, 2014, be kind to us.

Nope.

It didn't work.

Beta came back at less than 1, meaning no perfectly timed anniversary baby, no success on our first IUI, no good luck whatsoever in our household.  I knew it was coming, and I've been trying to brush it off like no big deal, but it hurts.  Like a crying under my blanket fort trying my best to be quiet and not wake up B kind of hurt.  I didn't think it would be this bad, but I'm so tired of wanting something that feels so far out of reach.  It's exhausting.

The rest of December and early January are going to be particularly busy for B, so we'll be taking the next cycle (whenever that starts) off, and trying another IUI late January.  It's probably for the best that we're taking a short break, but we just finished a break, and now we're losing one more month.  I wish this would get easier, but I just don't see that happening.

Next year will be better, right?  It can't really get much worse.

Just a Few More Days

I'm finally in the last few days of the 2 week wait - after this weekend, we'll know if we had any success with our first IUI.  I've had a fairly positive outlook on this IUI for the most part, but today, with just a few more days until the beta, I have to say - I really don't know if it worked.  Obviously it's still pretty early (9DPO today), and maybe it did, but we didn't have very high odds.  I've been noticing some "symptoms" because I can't resist symptom spotting, but I'm pretty sure it's just the progesterone playing tricks on me.

Speaking of progesterone ... I had my 7DPO progesterone lab on Monday.  I was lucky enough to have my favorite nurse do the draw.  I really appreciate how thoroughly she explains things (she understands that I'm a control freak) - she told me that a regular clinic wants it to be at 8 or above, but they prefer to see 15 or above.  If my progesterone was low, they would have increased me to 2 progesterone invasions a day (because that's what those progesterone suppositories are - invasions), but thankfully it came back at 35.  The nurse who called with my results was very pleased with the number, so that's exciting.  That was probably the first time in our TTC history that I was an overachiever.  Unfortunately, my awesome progesterone level has nothing to do with whether or not I'm pregnant, so it's not that important, but it felt good to have something go right.

I've been debating  if I want to test early or just wait for the beta, but I think test early has won, although I don't think it's a very good idea (that doesn't make any sense, I know).  I know that the tests I have are sensitive enough to detect 20-25 mIU/ml (whatever that means), but I also know that the most accurate test is going to be the blood test.  In a way, I don't really want to see another negative test, but if it's going to be negative, at least I'll be prepared.

Anyway, enough of my crazy rambling.  I'll maybe check in with the results. Or not.  I don't know.

Daily Shot

I am so excited that my little bitty bloggy was featured in today's Fertility Authority Daily Shot Newsletter!

If you're new here, take a look around, say hi, and I hope you stick around!  :)


I want to send a huge, huge thank you to to Jay (The 2 Week Wait) for letting me know about this awesome opportunity!  

IUI #1 - Crossed Off the List

It's official, I can now cross IUI off of my "tried it" list.  I was kind of nervous that it wasn't going to happen -I've had too many canceled cycles.  I was so relieved at my appointment last Friday when my nurse told me I had one very close follicle (17mm), and a second not far behind (14 or 15mm). I was completely expecting them to say my follicles weren't responding strong enough to continue.

Here was my IUI cycle timeline:
CD3 - baseline
CD3-7 - Letrozole
CD11 - follicle check, largest one was 14mm
CD13 - follicle check, largest one 17 mm
CD14 - trigger!
CD16 - IUI

The procedure itself was relatively painless - I think the worst part was the damn speculum.  It sounds like the different factors are looking pretty good for us - B's post-wash count was great, my lining was looking nice and fluffy on Friday, and I can definitely feel that trigger shot working it's magic on righty.  I've been having some cramping on my right side pretty much all afternoon, which I think is a good thing.

After the procedure, the nurse laid out the plan for the rest of the cycle.  This Friday I start the progesterone, then on Monday I go in to have my progesterone level checked to make sure it could sustain a pregnancy.  After that, I wait until the 14th or 15th for the main event - the beta.  Oooh, my favorite part of the day - as we were walking out to the lobby to leave, we saw my favorite nurse (I know it's not nice to have favorites, but she has the best personality, and she was the first nurse we met when we had our initial consultation.  We bonded.  The rest of the nurses are a bit more ... laid back, which is nice, but ... I just love her bubbly personality).  She was really happy to see us, and asked how it went, and told us she was crossing her fingers and toes.  I seriously love the staff at our clinic.

I've been trying to remind myself that this isn't a sure thing, and I need to have reasonable expectations.  It's been hard to not get my hopes up.  Now I just have to wait it out to see what happens ... this is going to be a long 12 (or 13) days.

The Big Day

Tomorrow is IUI day.  I'm nervous and excited.

That's pretty much all I had to say.  This is kind of a pathetic post, but my brain is barely functioning.  I'm hoping to have something a bit more interesting to say tomorrow after it's done.

Thank you so much to all of the amazing people who have been wishing me luck for tomorrow (and for this entire cycle, really).  My appointment is at 11:30am Central Standard Time ... any extra thoughts/prayers/vibes then would be greatly appreciated :).

Follicle Status Update

This morning's appointment was kinda meh.  Not a complete bust, just not what I wanted to hear.

The basics: I responded to the new dose of letrozole, and my follicles are "right there" according to the doc I saw today (not my usual RE, and this was the first time I saw other doc. "Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, and here's my hoo-ha."  Not at all awkward).  I had one follicle at 13mm and a couple of smaller ones.  I have the pleasure of having another visit with my BFF the vagcam Friday morning, and other doc was kind enough to draw the bullseye for the trigger shot on my butt (flashing her my bare behind was really fun), even though we won't be needing it for at least a couple of days.  In the meantime, I guess I'll continue listening to my Circle + Bloom tracks and hope that I can magic my follicles into growing.  (To clarify:  I love the Circle + Bloom programs, they help me relax and I feel like they genuinely help me.  I also feel like when I listen to them, I can feel my ovaries growing, hence the magical growth of follicles.)

I can't say that I'm surprised at the situation for 2 reasons.  The first is that I always have the lingering thought that things won't work out, and the second is that it's pretty early in my cycle.  I'm usually ovulate between CD15 and 18, and today is only CD11.  Hopefully those follies are a bit juicer on CD13.

Aside from my mildly disappointing appointment, today was a pretty good day.  I had a post appointment lunch date with my mom, grandma, and my close friend, we did some shopping, and when we got back to the house my sisters arrived.  Those thoughtful little buggers brought me a super comfy hoodie from their college (my alma mater) that has the school name on the chest in green and silver sparkles.  I love it.  I'm wearing it for Thanksgiving tomorrow.  The most interesting part of my day was the few minutes I spent on the phone with my other granny.  I called to let her know I bought the rolls for Thanksgiving dinner so she didn't have to, and she surprised me by asking about my appointment.  I didn't know she knew about it - apparently my dad (her son) has been telling her about what we've been going through.  I told her it was okay, but not great, and braced myself for the typical reaction of an 80+ year old religious woman - and then she surprised me again.  She said "it's a rotten situation.  Keep the faith and know I'm always praying for you."  It was the exact right thing for her to say.  I'm not at all religious, but it feels good to hear that someone is looking out for me like that.

So that's pretty much the full recap.  Hopefully there will be some Thanksgiving magic and Friday's appointment will bring better news.

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving and all, I want to throw in a quick shout out to the lovely IF friends I'm making on Twitter and through blog land.  The support and crossed fingers and positive vibes really mean so much (and I'm sending them out to all of you as well).  I am so thankful that the internet has connected me to all of you! :)

Back On {Fertility} Drugs

I finally have something going on in IF-land, and it's taken me forever to update about it.  I've been feeling extra boring lately, and I managed to misplace my motivation again, but I seem to have found enough for an update.

I think it's pretty obvious from the title that we're starting medicated cycles again - FINALLY!  I'm very excited that we're making progress again.

I went in for my CD3 ultrasound last Tuesday, and everything was all clear, giving us the green light to start our first IUI cycle.  The plan is to attempt this cycle with 5mg of Letrozole on CD3-7 (I took my last dose on Saturday), then go in for a follicle check on CD11 (this Wednesday), in hopes that I'll have some good follies growing.  If I have good follicles, I'll trigger and go in 36 hours later for the IUI.  If I don't have good growth ... I don't know what the plan is - maybe wait a couple of days to see if any follicles are closer to ready, maybe just cancel the cycle (which would really suck).  I probably should have asked about the worst case scenario, but my mind just wasn't there during the appointment.  I have to say I'm on the fence about this plan.  I'm trying to be positive, and I've been listening to my Circle + Bloom guided meditations to help with that, but I can't help but listen to that nagging voice in the back of my head that's reminding me that I didn't respond to 2.5mg of Letrozole.  And then I start to worry a little that I'm not going to respond again, and we'll have to cancel the cycle.  Sometimes the happy thoughts win, but not always.

To prepare for the best case scenario, my RE put in prescriptions for a Pregnyl trigger (my first intramuscular shot, it's a powder and has to be mixed, and if we don't trigger on Wednesday, B will have to administer the shot instead of my mom.  I'm so scared!), as well as 30 progesterone "capsules," aka hoo-ha suppositories.  This leads me to another reason why I love my fertility clinic - I didn't have to call around to different specialty pharmacies to find the best price because the RE's office did the shopping around for me!  All of their specialty prescriptions go through a popular specialty pharmacy in New Jersey (If you've had to order from a specialty pharmacy before, you've heard of this place).  B and I were a little nervous about the cost of the medications, especially  considering our limited income, but we lucked out.  My order with the specialty clinic was just over $100, and after we submit the receipt to our insurance company, some of the cost of the progesterone will be reimbursed.  Thank goodness for good insurance coverage.

So I guess that's the current state of my uterus.  I'm crossing fingers and toes that this dose of Letrozole is magic and we can move forward as planned.  Maybe we'll get a Christmas miracle ...

On My Mind

I've had a few ideas for posts sitting in my drafts folder for more than a week, and I couldn't for the life of me get enough motivation to finish them (probably because most of them don't deserve to be their own post), so instead, I'm just going to smash the short version into one listy post.

• It's been a full month since I became a full time housewife, and overall I think it's going pretty well.  Money is pretty tight, but we've been working on adjusting our budget by shopping grocery sales, cutting cable, and selling some stuff on eBay, and we're getting by with what we have.  I still have phases of "oh f*ck, we're so broke and it's all my fault," but B is the best hubster ever, and he always assures me that we'll be fine and he's okay with me being a housewife as long as I actually get some cleaning done (which I have been.  Every day has a different room or task assigned to it, so it's mostly just maintaining the clean).  He's a keeper.  I'm still in the process of looking for (at least) part time work, but I haven't had any luck so far.
• It turns out I actually like Twitter.  I had an account a looooong time ago because B said it was the next big thing in social media, but then I barely used it and ended up deleting it when I was going through my "gotta decrease my digital footprint" phase.  I recently created a new Twitter account because I found out that a ton of awesome people who are going through the shit-fest of infertility have created an incredibly supportive community, which was something I was very interested in, considering my real life support group is pretty small.  I recently had to update my "Blogs I Enjoy" list because I have come across so many more amazing blogs via the Twitter, and then those blogs led to more, and now I have a lot of reading to do (not a bad problem to have).
• In preparation for our next cycle, I've decided to try something that's a bit unconventional (my mom would say "hippie dippie") - guided meditation.  I have the Circle + Bloom programs for PCOS and IVF/IUI, and I've started listening to tracks that aren't specific to any cycle days when I'm having a hard time falling asleep because B is snoring too loudly.  They've been successful in getting me into a more restful and relaxed state, and I'm interested to see how things go when I follow them daily.
• I'm getting really antsy for our next cycle.  Obviously I'm not looking forward to moving on to more expensive and aggressive treatments, but I'm tired of just waiting.  Hopefully AF will come naturally again.  I gave in and looked up the potential due date if AF comes when expected and our first IUI is successful, which was probably a mistake.  The due date generator guesses that we would probably be having a baby on our 4th anniversary.  Now I really want things to work out, and I'm not looking forward to the disappointment if it isn't successful.
• I've been an a major music kick lately - all I really want to do when I'm home alone (so, all day) is listen to Pandora.  The downside of this music kick is that I've been listening to some kinda emo music, and the lyrics of the songs make me think about B or about infertility and how much it sucks or about life in general and then I end up crying the entire time because I'm a hormonal freak.  I'm a sucker for punishment, so I've started making a playlist of songs that I'd like to use as lullabyes for future babies (and then I realize that we don't know when or if that will happen and I start crying again.  Ugh).
• Our front porch reno is coming along quite nicely.  Today, I helped B's dad stain all the trim, then B helped his dad install the rest of the drywall and the doorbell.  Next weekend the plan is to install the trim (except for in the closet) and put the final touches on the drywall so I can paint.  Then we just have to finish off the trim and it's done (hopefully)!  Just in time to host our expected 12 (?  I think?) guests for Thanksgiving.  
• B bought the Lego Marvel game for the Wii-U yesterday, and I'm addicted.  My favorite character to be is Hulk because all he does is smash the crap out of stuff.  The game is stupid difficult though (or maybe we're the stupid ones).

So that's pretty much all that's going on right now.

Progress on the Money Pit

I am so happy with the most recent improvements to our beloved money pit.

The main focus of our annual one-room reno has been our front entrance - when I last wrote about it, we had a new front door, I had painted the wood panels, and we were looking into vinyl flooring.  We're slowly inching closer to completing this project, and it will definitely be done by Thanksgiving because we're hosting our families for dinner (this is going to be a close one because the Packers play at noon two of the three Sundays we have between now and Thanksgiving, and B's dad doesn't work on projects during the game or on Saturdays.  Cross your fingers we actually get this done on time!).

Two weekends ago, B and I went to Menards in search of flooring, and luck was on our side (for once).  The laminate that we wanted was on sale for about $20/box (Menards was having an 11% off rebate sale on top of the sale - score!).  We bought 5 boxes, and after using our rebate from the front door, we only ended up spending about $50 out of pocket.  That Sunday, B's dad came over to install the floors, and we lucked out again - we only needed 4 of the boxes to cover the 70 square feet of floor, so we were able to return a box, bringing our out of pocket price closer to $30.

Good-bye ugly brown medallions, Hello pretty new laminate!

A look at the room as it is now

Our happy dance over limiting our spending didn't last very long though, because we still needed to buy trim for all of the doors, windows, and around the floor, as well as drywall and mud to finish the walls of the closet (we took off the closet doors so we can have an open closet/nook area).  Rather than spending more, we opted to stick with the same paint color inside (our original plan was to paint it Mesa Taupe, one shade darker than the rest of the room and a bit more brown than gray), so that will help our budget a little bit.  I just hope we're left with enough paint leftover to paint the garage entryway as well.

Last weekend, B's dad installed some drywall in the closet and installed a new, bright white electrical outlet (to replace the ugly dark brown one).  We got less done than we were hoping to, so next weekend is going to be extra busy, and I have some homework to do in the meantime.  I get the pleasure of sanding and staining all of the trim for the room.  I'm nervous, I've never done any staining before - hopefully it turns out okay (and if it doesn't, I'm not going to finish it - I'll leave it for the pro).

Hopefully in a few weeks, I'll be sharing the (mostly) complete after pictures!

Dear Life, Thanks for the Lemons

{Peej - if you're reading this, I need you to promise me - cross your heart - that you won't relay this information to anyone else.  I'm trying to keep things to a more select audience.  Get it?  Thanks for being my favorite!}

This Monday, we had our treatment plan consultation - finally.  And as with any appointment, there was some good news and more than enough bad news, because apparently the universe didn't hear me when I said I needed a win.

The good news was that my egg quality and quantity are good, so aside from the PCOS, I'm pretty okay.  The RE said that trying a higher dose of Letrozole would be a good option for me - maybe I'll actually produce some good follicles.  The bad news is that they saw some issues with B's swimmers, so we're both dealing with our bodies working against us.  The RE then laid out our options - the least aggressive (and least expensive) option is to try IUI, and of course our only other option is the dreaded IVF.  The look on B's face when the RE explained our options broke my heart - it was just so obvious that he was so disappointed.  I couldn't blame him, either.  It's just so unfair.

After we talked to the RE, the financial coordinator came in to give us information sheets about both procedures and explained how the costs would break down with our insurance.  It was pretty much common sense - going with an IUI (or several) would be the least expensive option, and IVF would eat up most of our $15,000 lifetime infertility coverage.  Going with IVF would really limit us - as in, if we tried it once and it failed, we wouldn't be able to try again for years.  We can't afford to spend thousands of dollars on medication either.  Based on that information, it was pretty clear what our decision was going to be - the best choice for us now is IUI.

Because it took us so long to get all of our preliminary testing done and schedule the treatment plan appointment, we won't be moving forward with anything until I start a new cycle (and who knows when that's going to happen.  I'm going to call around CD30 or so to ask for Provera if I don't start on my own).  Instead of waiting for that cycle to get some labs done, we chose to do them on Monday while we were already at the clinic and had already paid our copay.  B had his first blood draw of this ordeal, and he did really well, and then I had my millionth blood draw of the process as well as a date with the medieval torture device known as the speculum.  Ouch.  Results are already back, and everything came back perfect.  We even got to find out what our blood types are (A+ for me, O- for him).

So now we have a plan, and all we have to do is sit back and wait to try it out, and try not to go too crazy in the meantime.  Easier said than done, because it feels like we have so much working against us.  I came across this quote the other day while I was stalking some new blogs, and I had to steal it - it perfectly expresses what it's like to deal with infertility in general, and it was especially timely given some recent personal news.  Maybe the universe needs a hearing (or reading) aide - I said I need a WIN.  Like for me, not for other people.  I don't care if it's selfish.

So thanks again for the lemons, Life, but I'm really getting sick of making lemonade.

I Really Need a Win

That's pretty much all I had to share.  I've been in one of those moods for a while - nothing seems to be going my way, and I can only put on the face that everything is fine for so long.  So yeah, I just really need something good to happen to us soon, it's getting too hard to keep pretending.

Making Over the Money Pit

It's pretty safe to say that I always want to do something to update our house.  Unfortunately, I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to home renovations.  I blame HGTV, Young House Love, and Pinterest - they make it look effortless and fun, and there are so many ideas.  I get so inspired, and then reality sets in - home renos are hard work that I'm not remotely qualified to do, they cost money that we don't really have, and it takes a lot of energy and motivation to convince the husband to update things and even get started on house projects (he'll deny this, but it's true ... mostly.  He's not a fan of doing handy work type things and he hates messes, but he wants us to have a nice house, so it's complicated.  He's usually reluctantly agreeable).  To help get focused on which projects are actually within our range, I've been putting together a list (YHL Listy VonListerson Style) of all of the updates I'd like to complete on our house (I included things we've already done, because really, who doesn't like seeing things crossed off the to-do list?), and we've been slowly tackling some of the more manageable projects for the last couple of months.

We started with the garage entry to our house.  We have lived in this house for almost 4 years (and my in-laws lived here for 20 years before that) with ugly blue trim featuring stenciled dogs and hearts.  Not my style at all (is it anyone's style?  I mean, anyone under the age of 80?  Yikes).  I hated those damn stencils.  Four years went by with them mocking me until I finally had enough.  On a Sunday morning, I was talking with B's dad about the shoe storage cubby we'd like him to build for us, and the conversation turned to my hatred of those stupid stencils.  B's dad demonstrated how we could just use white spray paint to paint over it, but I wasn't happy with the amount of toxic fumes being sprayed into the air, so that option was out.  B hates unfinished projects, so we bought some primer after one of our afternoon doctor appointments and then spent the following Sunday morning painting the trim around the garage door, the door to the kitchen, and 3 storage spaces.  We haven't finished this project off yet - we need to fill in some of the trim seams with caulk, and we need to put the final coat of paint on the trim (I even have the paint, just sitting in the basement stairway, waiting to be used), but even incomplete it looks so much better.  The plan to completely finish it off is to paint the yellow-ish walls (this will probably be happening fairly soon, as we'll be using the same paint we used for another recently completed project), replace the crystal ball light fixture, build a shoe storage system, and re-finish the steps (probably by covering the existing steps with laminate or vinyl flooring).  The paint, light fixture, and shoe storage are all part of our phase 1 plan, the steps will have to wait until phase 2.

Close up of the stencil & a look at our handiwork

My next project came about kind of accidentally.  B was outside grilling and told me I should stay outside to keep him company, and that turned into me hacking up and ripping out some of the bushes in front of our house.  Once those were mutilated to my satisfaction (and I was scared away by two of the biggest, ugliest toads I've ever seen in my life), I moved on to the tiger lilies around the back and side of our deck.  I hated those stupid flowers (not really the flowers, I guess.  Those were fine.  It was the long, out of control leaves that really bugged me).  We're going to attempt to kill them off with weed killer when they die for the winter, and hopefully they won't come back next spring.  I'd like to finish tearing out the bushes in front of our house - completely uproot them and everything, but I have a feeling that's not going to happen until next spring.  I also want to remove all of the stupid lava rocks and replace them with mulch, but I haven't really completely thought out my plan for the foliage around our house.  That's a work in progress that I'm not really looking forward to finishing.  I love looking at nature, but I don't really like being in nature.  Landscaping is not high on my list of things I want to do with my free time.

Sticking with the outside of our house, we moved our attention to the peeling paint on the moulding around the garage door.  B's dad attempted to just sand the chipping paint off so we could save money and repaint it, but that didn't go so well.  We ended up buying new PVC brick moulding so we won't have to worry much about long term maintenance, which was the best option for us.  While we were at Menard's buying our garage door moulding, we browsed around the front doors, and I found one that was on sale that I really wanted.  We went back to Menard's Labor Day weekend to buy the door, and my father-in-law installed that the same weekend.  I'm really glad that we happened across this particular front door - it really wasn't what I was initially looking for, but after sleeping on it, I knew it was perfect (and the fact that it was on sale didn't hurt either).  The glass lets so much more light into our front entry and part of the living room - it's a welcome change.

Old door with forest green screen door vs Beautiful new door with no screen.
Huge improvement!

Of course, replacing the door meant we'd need to replace some of the wood trim in our front entryway, and that snowballed into our most recent project.  B and I decided we wanted all of the trim in the front entry to match, and we figured with all of the trim off, it was the perfect time to paint the ugly wood panels.  I started priming the room when B was in Iowa for work on his most recent trip, and a couple of weekends ago, we finished painting the room.  It took forever for me to choose a color for the room - I was very particular about what color I wanted (Requirements: not too brown because I'm sick of brown from all of the wood panels in our house, not too gray because B keeps making fun of my passion for gray rooms, light enough to make the room feel bright even when there's not much light out there, goes well with the colors in the living room and kitchen, also works in the garage entry of the house).  We ended up with (what I think is) the perfect color - Creamy Mushroom by Behr.  It's a really light taupe - in bright sunlight, it looks really gray, and later in the evening (or on cloudy days) it's a nice light beige.  The best of both worlds.

The "after" picture shows how gray the paint color can be -
it really is taupe with beige-y tones, I promise!

Once we get the thick wood trim back in the room, I think the brown tones will really come out.  It's going to look awesome in our garage entryway also.  Paint success!  After our Menard's rebate money (from the door) arrives, we're going to buy wood-looking vinyl flooring to cover up the ugly 1970's brown on brown linoleum, and we're going to remove the doors of the entry closet.  Phase 2 will be turning that closet into an entry nook, which will be painted Mesa Taupe by Behr (it's in the same family as Creamy Mushroom, and should help the trim in bringing out more of the brown-ish tones).  I'm really starting to like this little room.

We've barely made a dent in my list, but the few things we've taken care of so far have made such a huge difference.  I'm really happy with the progress we're making on this money pit (now if only we could win the lottery so we could completely finish the place off ...).

                                                          

Whoopsie!

I totally didn't mean to take a bloggy break - almost a month since my last post, yikes!  I've been really stressed because the last few weeks have been a little out of control thanks to my split shift starting at work again and other random life-y things happening.  Plus I seem to have misplaced my motivation (again).  I wish I could take a week off just to get caught up on my free time.  Ha!

Last Thursday was CD4, which meant I got to visit the Fertility Services Clinic for the first time.  The appointment itself was pretty uneventful - I had 2 vials of blood drawn to update my hormone levels, and I had a baseline ultrasound to check for any larger than normal cysts, and none were found.  So far, so good, right?  Wrong.  Before I had any blood drawn or vag cam visits, I had to pre-pay for the appointment - makes sense, no problem ... except there was a problem.  Some miscommunication between the insurance company and the financial coordinator led to us being charged $300 for the first appointment rather than the $20 copay we were expecting to pay.  It took a few days, lots of phone calls, and husband intervention to sort everything out.  The good news is we'll be getting a refund from the clinic.  The not so good news is we're still not doing a medicated cycle.  We won't be able to resume treatment until B goes in to update his tests and we have a follow-up treatment options appointment, but due to work scheduling conflicts, that won't be happening until the 2nd week of October, so we won't be back to medicated cycles until November.  I really wasn't expecting to take a 3 month break from treatment, but that's about where we're at now, and we can't do anything to change that, so I just have to get over it - easier said than done.  I think the most difficult part for me is having my updated test results available, but not gettting any information about what the numbers mean until we finally have our what's next appointment in a few weeks.  Obviously I've turned to Dr. Google, specifically in regards to my AMH level, but apparently there are different ways to measure AMH, and my results page on my chart doesn't tell me which they've used - it's either really good, or borderline just okay.  Awesome.

Aside from not taking drugs to help make a baby, I've been working my butt off trying to make our house look cuter.  I don't want to go into too much detail - I have a post in my drafts folder all about it - but I think it's safe to say my mission is pretty successful so far.  We still have a long way to go, but progress is always a win in my book.

So yeah, that's pretty much all of the important stuff that's been going on in the past few weeks.  Hopefully all of the less important stuff (like making lesson plans and printing busy work for two 3 hour shifts of daycare or dealing with drama from daycare parents - ugh) will ease up now that we're pretty set in a routine, leaving me more time to work on fun stuff like these boring posts :).

3

At this time 3 years ago, I had just gotten married to my best friend.  We were surrounded by our friends and family, I was in a poofy white gown, and we were getting ready to party for the rest of the night.  It was the best night of my life (so far).

Three years later, and I'm still falling for that guy more and more every day.

Post-Appointment Update Extravaganza

I promised I'd come back to update about our consult with the head RE, and look at me - I'm following through!  It may have taken longer than I planned, but it's the thought that counts, right?

I thought our consult went pretty well overall.  It's a good thing B was there to join me in the meeting, because a lot of it revolved around updating our health histories and getting to know what testing and treatments we had done so far.  The nurse who we met with first was an interesting character.  She was very energetic and quirky ... she kind of reminded me of a Kristen Wiig-esque character from Saturday Night Live - obviously I thought she was great.  After going over my extensive list of treatments, the focus turned to B's testing, and we actually heard something new.  B saw a specialist last summer because my clinic had issues with his SA results, but the specialist said the results he saw didn't concern him, and that was it.  But at this latest appointment, both the nurse and the RE mentioned a notation about a varicocele.  We had no idea what they were talking about because it had been a year since he saw the specialist, but he didn't remember the doctor saying anything about varicocele.  I'm not sure when we'll get further clarification, so mostly the new information just confused us (mosty me) a little more.

Aside from that little surprise, we didn't really get a lot of information from the RE, but considering all she had to go off of was our past treatment information, that was expected.  We won't know our plan of action moving forward until we have some re-tests done, but the RE did mention some possibilities.  She was surprised that we didn't exhuast our options with the Letrozole (I only tried the lowest dose before I was moved to the Clomid/Follistim combo deal), so that's something that we'll probably revisit in hopes of getting better results.  She would rather have us exhaust all of our other options before moving on to the more aggressive treatments (which we - and our bank account and my tummy - really appreciate, because injectables are hella expensive, guys.  And stabbing a needle into your own tummy fat is no picnic).  Also, she was surprised that we even did a Clomid/Follistim combination - the "mother clinic" (that's what the nurse and RE call it - like the mothership of aliens) doesn't combine other medications with the injectables, they just start the injectables earlier in the cycle to hopefully boost egg growth.  It was pretty interesting to hear about what the main RE would do differently, and I'm looking forward to working with her.  One of my favorite things that they told us was that they like to change things up if they notice that they aren't working, rather than spinning our wheels and trying the same thing over and over, wasting time.  I'm hoping that this will keep us from feeling so stuck.

At the end of the appointment, I was given a shiny new Clinic Fertility Services folder packed full of information about their pricing for different procedures and testing (yep, that's right, this clinic actually wants us to know what the approximate costs of everything will be.  Amazing right??), general information about IF, a list of grants available for IVF (which appears to be outdated.  I checked out all of the websites, and a few of them have been inactive for a couple years) and copies of our insurance coverage and tests ordered.  I'm planning on starting a new folder o' stuff to keep everything together, and I'll close out my folder from my last clinic (that I didn't do a very good job of keeping updated).

The biggest drawback to this switch is that all of the appointments will take place at the mother clinic, which is located within the hospital, and of course the hospital is located about an hour away.  Getting to our frequent appointments was difficult enough, and now with the clinic being farther away and crazy work schedules coming our way (I'm back to the split shift soon, and B has a few work trips coming up) things are really going to get difficult.  It's looking like we'll continue our break through September, then hopefully get back to treatments and appointments by October.  More bumps in the road, but hopefully this new RE and clinic will get us closer to the light at the end of the  tunnel.

Good News, Bad News

I've been meaning to update for a while, but life has been so busy lately (isn't that always the case?  I need a vacation).  I figured the best way to do this update was a Good News/Bad News list, because that's how things have been going lately.

Good News - it appears as though insurance has covered more of my HSG than we had originally expected.  After what felt like a million phone calls (and several customer service representatives), I was told by a financial coordinator through the clinic and an insurance representative that the procedure itself would cost $1,501 and we would be responsible to cover the rest of my deductible and then 20% of the remaining cost, for a grand total of $700+.  Ouch.  But on July 24th, I got an excited text and email from B with our insurance explanation of benefits attached - it appears as though we are only going to be charged the $20 copay that accompanies office visits at our clinic.  That's a major savings, which our bank account greatly appreciates.  It's not going to last long of course, but we'll take what we can get!

Bad News - AF arrived early at 5dpo, almost 2 weeks ago.  Yeah ... that sucked.  I noticed some spotting and just knew.  Wednesday morning (July 24) - the day I was supposed to get my progesterone level tested - AF was here in full force.  My progesterone results came back really low, indicating I didn't ovulate (which I totally don't understand - I had a 19mm follicle and I gave myself a trigger shot ... how did I not ovulate?), and general suck ensued (500 points if you just did the How I Met Your Mother salute to General Suck).  I had to have my CD3 ultrasound with a different doctor, and it was soooo awkward.  First of all, it was a dude, which is not my favorite.  Second, I felt like he wasn't really listening to me (we actually had a debate about what cycle day I was on, as if I didn't know how many days I had been bleeding!).  And he raised the exam table way into the air rather than sitting down at a lower level for the exam, so when he was done, I couldn't sit up and regain a teensy bit of modesty until he lowered the stupid table down.  Nothing like waiting for the table to slowly lower back to the ground with my legs spread and my hooha hanging out.  Not my favorite experience.  I really hope that I never have to see him again.

Good News - I have an appointment with the head RE at my clinic tomorrow, which will hopefully get us more answers.  The physician I usually see suggested I make an appointment with this RE, although I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of the appointment is, to be honest.  All I know is that the consult is supposed to be about an hour long, and I'll probably bring B back with me.  I want to have a second set of ears so that we can be sure to take in all the information we can get.  I'm guessing we'll discuss the last year's worth of treatments and maybe talk about a plan moving forward, but I don't really know.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow :).

Mixed Message News - When we realized that last cycle didn't work out, I was told that we had 2 options - go ahead with an increased dose of injections and try again, or take a break for a cycle, chat with the head RE, and then decide where to go from there.  After we talked about it and mapped out important dates, we figured the timing probably wouldn't work out.  Even though I hate the idea of losing another month, I know it was our best choice, and it hasn't been too bad - it's nice to have a break from giving injections, taking pills, visiting my pal the vag cam, and peeing on sticks.

Good News - MTV did something pretty awesome - huge shock right?  Their program True Life finally focused on something important with the episode "True Life:  I'm Desperate to Have a Baby."  (Yes, I know they've covered topics like addiction, which is also important, but one of their newest episodes is called "True Life:  I'm Too Beautiful."  Give me a break.)  It followed 2 couples who were struggling with infertility and documented their efforts to get pregnant via IVF.  It is definitely worth a watch.

Get More: True Life, Full Episodes

So that's the most recent update.  I'm hoping to be back tomorrow with all of the details from our meeting with the RE, and I have a couple of drafts that are burning a hole in my brain that will hopefully be published soon.

Upbeat

Monday was my second follicle check of this cycle (on CD14), and I left my clinic feeling awesome - that almost never happens.  Everything has come back so much stronger than the same point of precious cycles, and that, my friends, is finally some forward progress.  I give credit to my new BFF.

I ended up surviving the Follistim injections, and it really was not as bad as I had imagined it would be - I really didn't even feel the needle, and after the first couple, it didn't even phase me anymore.  Anyway, all of those injections paid off, and the prize so far ... was another injection.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Last Thursday was follicle check number 1 (CD10).  I had a leftover 23mm monster cyst (it was 13mm on CD1), but otherwise things looked decent.  The first thing I noticed when I walked into the ultrasound exam room was that they had a new exam chair, which was beyond exciting for me - definitely a sign that I spend too much time there.  I visited the vampires in the lab so they could test my estradiol (the stupid hormone that always fucks everything up), and my RE called with the results that night - 210, the highest I've ever shown.  Booyah!

Saturday, I had another trip to the lab to have my estradiol tested.  Unfortunately, the lab didn't get my results entered as quickly as they were supposed to, so I got a call Saturday night letting me know that I would get the results on Sunday, and I was told to take another dose of Follistim that night.  I didn't do that though, because we didn't get home until late - we were celebrating the first birthday of my friend's adorable baby girl and enjoying a mini college reunion.  It was so nice to catch up with my friends - much needed.

Sunday morning, the results phone call wasn't as great as I had hoped - my estradiol was only up to 216, so I had to keep my appointment that was set for Monday afternoon, and wait to trigger until I was given the okay.  I also ended up giving myself that last Follistim shot.

On Monday, I was supposed to start in the lab to get my estradiol tested again, but I wasn't able to get there early enough and the lab was a zoo, so I decided I'd just finish up there instead.  Like I mentioned in the opening, my second follicle check was really good - triple layer utey lining, the monster cyst was gone, and I had 2 follicles, 19mm and 15mm.  My RE's outlook was very positive, and she said that we would determine when I should trigger after my estradiol results came back the next day.

Finally, on Tuesday morning, I was just finishing up our "morning meeting" at work when I felt my phone ring (yes, I answered my personal phone at work, which is totally against policy.  And I don't care, because it was an important phone call).  My estradiol came back at 264, so I was told to give myself the trigger injection (my prize!) later on Tuesday, have some scheduled intimate time with my hubster (scheduled sex is such a turn on ... not), and then go in next Wednesday for a progesterone test.  After that, it's the long wait until we find out if we caught the egg.

So that gets us updated to today ... I'm feeling cautiously hopeful - I don't want to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to when things seem to be going so well.  I guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks if all of this worked out.

Tried It

I can officially cross two more items off the "tried it" list.  Two things that don't appear to be on the fun little list below ...

Earlier today, I had my HSG.  Holy eff, it was "uncomfortable" (if uncomfortable means ohshit this frakkin' hurts!!).  Before the procedure, I asked the radiology nurse if there would be a physical picture printed so I could get a copy for my scrapbook - unfortunately, there was not.  The procedure itself was pretty quick, and I've been crampy and uncomfortable all night, but I'm surviving.  Oh, and they saw the "fill and spill" of everything being clear and my ute is the correct shape, so things are good.

The second thing I can check off the list is giving myself a Follistim injection.  I put it off for a while, then B helped pump me up to do the damn thing.  I got everything ready, I cried for a minute, then said fuck it, stabbed the needle in, pressed the button, and it was done.  I have 3 more doses in the pen, 2 of which I am definitely expecting to take.  Hopefully I won't have to refill any time soon, because it's so expensive, and we're super broke.  I'll maybe have an idea tomorrow during my ultrasound appointment, but I wouldn't be surprised if I had to make another follicle check appointment for Saturday.

Crossing fingers and toes for good news ...

Overwhelmed

I apologize in advance if this post makes no sense - my brain is all kinds of jumbled right now.  Also, be warned that this post is pretty much all about AF, so if you want to avoid a TMI-fest, move on now.

Last weekend, I noticed that I had started spotting, which was absolutely amazing to me - it's been so long since I've started AF without the help of Provera.  On Monday night, the spotting was a little heavier, and by mid-day Tuesday, I was certain that AF had finally arrived - it definitely seemed like a full flow.  I called the clinic, and because of a long workday on Wednesday and the holiday on Thursday (which would be CD3, when I typically have the baseline), it was decided that I would come in for the last appointment on Tuesday (on CD1) for my baseline ultrasound.  My ultrasound came back normal, I talked with a nurse about setting up an appointment for my HSG, and my RE gave me a lot of information about injectables, because I'm starting those this cycle (holy shit).  It was a lot of information to take in, and I'm surprised I didn't completely break down when we got to the car.  Instead of turning into a sobbing mess, I turned to my BFF the Internet for support from my friends who have gone through or are currently going through infertility treatments, and to research the least expensive supplier of injectables.  (Spoiler Alert:  injectables are expensive everywhere.  The best choice I found was Walgreen's Specialty - after enrolling in the Design Rx program, the cost will come to $254.  My second choice was Freedom Fertility, at $256.)

On Wednesday, I got a call from one of the nurses letting me know when my HSG had been scheduled (next Wednesday at 10:45), and I used that opportunity to ask about my cycle being wonky.  I explained that I was only spotting again, that I only briefly had full flow, and that I was confused about what was happening.  She told me that sometimes it's normal for AF to start, then stop, then start again, so I should just wait it out, and if there was no increase by Friday, give them a call again to figure out what's next.

Because I am clearly cursed, there was no change over the last couple of days.  Still just spotting, and barely that.  I called this morning to talk to a nurse, and she said just go ahead with things as planned (although now the medications will all be pushed back a day).  So that was the plan ... until I got a phone call from my clinic this afternoon.  She said that my RE has requested a blood pregnancy test to make sure that all of our bases are covered (even though the odds of that being the cause of this stupid, semi-non-existent AF are slim to none).  Unless I hitchhike, that's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

When we started with treatments over a year ago, I knew that things weren't going to be easy.  What I didn't expect was that things would become so damn complicated.  I'm ready for everything to fall into place ... any day now would be perfect.

Three Calls, That's All

Infertility sucks big time, but it has been helpful in improving my life skills, so I guess that's a bonus (not really).  I have become a phone call ninja - I used to panic when I had to call the doctor's office to make appointments or ask questions, but now I'm kind of a pro.  #humblebrag

When I left off last week, I was waiting for more information from my doctor's office regarding the cost of the HSG.  My doctor's office was amazing at getting back to me about my request - an hour or so after I sent the message, I got one in return that provided the customer service number to call to get an estimate and the CPT code to help get more information.  And this is where the fun started (if you call confusion and multiple phone calls fun) ...

It took 3 calls to my clinic's customer service to finally get my information passed on to the estimate department (it was ridiculous - 2 out of the 3 representatives I talked to had no idea what they were doing), but once they had my information, the turn around was really quick.  I talked to the estimate department representative yesterday morning - all I can say is I'm not looking forward to the bill after the procedure.  Of course that's in addition to the injections that I'll be adding in to the process when the HSG comes back clear  ... BUT we can't even get to that step until AF finally shows up, which doesn't seem to be happening any time soon.  I still have a week and a half before I'm supposed to call to ask for the Provera, and then 10 days of pills, and then AF, and by the time it's all over, we'll have missed the entire month of July.

I feel like I say it all the time, but I've been trying to be less of a bitter Betty - not very successfully, unfortunately.  There are a lot of positive things that I could focus on, but the easier choice has been to be angry or depressed.  We spent last Saturday at the ballpark (snooze) with B's parents, and I had kind of a nice chat with my mother-in-law about all of the crap we're going through.  She went through fertility treatments when they were trying to have B, so she understands - to a degree - what it's like, which is really nice (especially considering that my own mom doesn't get it - at all.  And I don't have the patience or brain power to explain this never-ending nightmare to her again and again ... and there's the anger and bitterness creeping back).  We also have some really great friends, in real life and online, who are so supportive - we're really lucky to have so many amazing people on our side, and I need to work on being more grateful for them and focus on the positive, rather than focusing on the negative all the time.  I'm a work in progress.

Another One Bites the Dust

Today is CD24, and we're looking at yet another canceled cycle.  This is really getting old  (actually, this is kind of old news, the cycle was officially canceled last Thursday, I just haven't had time or motivation to update here).

I went to a closer satellite branch of my clinic for another estradiol test last Thursday morning (my third in a week), and it was not good.  Just my luck.  Later that afternoon, I got the call saying the usual "your estradiol was just really low, and it doesn't make any sense.  We'll have to go ahead and cancel this cycle."  Such a disappointment, especially considering how excited we were to see triple layer lining just a few days before.  But wait, there's more ...

Because of my lack of success on this Letrozole cycle, my RE feels like it's time to be more aggressive.  Rather than attempting a higher dose of Letrozole in combination with the Metformin I recently started (and what a fun experience that has been ... yipes!  My poor tummy ...), it's time to move on to a Clomid + Follistim cycle.  I guess I should be excited about that - we're getting more aggressive, and maybe that's what it will take to finally get knocked up.  Maybe.

I'm supposed to call when AF shows (or in 3 weeks to get some Provera if that doesn't happen naturally), and then after my baseline ultrasound, we'll discuss setting up an HSG.  Cue the sad trombone.  I can feel the money flying out of our bank account, not to mention another month of trying getting flushed down the drain because we're waiting for things to happen.  Wasting time and money are two things that I really hate doing - I am not a happy camper.

I immediately started doing a little preliminary research into our out of pocket cost for the HSG, but didn't get very far.  My mistake was starting with the insurance company - I should have known that I wouldn't get much information there, especially considering they have no idea how the procedure would be coded for billing.  I did, however, manage to get some useful information from the insurance company regarding my deductible and such, so the call wasn't a complete waste of time.  I had been planning on calling at some point to find out how much of our infertility plan we had left (that's not even the right way to describe it - we have a lifetime limit of money to put toward infertility treatments, although it only covers a portion of the cost ... it's hard to describe), and I actually got some good news!  We still have a majority of the money left (we've used less than $1,000), so that can help cover part of the cost of the HSG (probably).  I emailed the doctor's office today requesting more information about the cost of the HSG and the location at which it would be done, so I should hopefully have more information soon.

So that pretty much updates the story so far - a somewhat promising start, followed by a major disappointment and more money disappearing out of our bank account - aka the story of my life.  I think it's about time that my story is re-written ...

To My Husband

Happy Birthday, my love.

Roller Coaster

I really would like to be done with this stupid emotional roller coaster now.

Thursday, I was having an awesome day until I got the phone call.  I spent Friday crying off and on all day, completely devastated.  Saturday's appointment had me hopeful again - follicles were more developed on CD14 than in previous cycles, and I had lovely triple layer lining.  And then ... I woke up this morning, and although I haven't gotten the official word from my doctor's office, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust.  My E2 came back at a whoppin' 19.  Nearly nothing.  For two 12mm follicles.  I'm crushed.  I'm expecting a call from the clinic tomorrow to make plans for what comes next.  Yesterday, the plan was to come in for another date with the vag cam if my E2 was decent, and if it was a little low, the appointment would be bumped to Tuesday.  With it coming back so low it's barely on the charts, I don't know what the plan will be, and it sucks.

I spent an hour this morning laying in bed consulting Dr. Google, which didn't help very much.  I was hoping maybe somewhere I would find someone with a similar experience saying they added in new meds mid-cycle that helped.  Or maybe that they started taking a supplement that improved their E2.  I didn't find those things, and now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out where my life is going this week.

B has been such a rock star husband through a lot of this, and I don't tell him that enough.  He's becoming really good at saying the right things at the right time (which never really was his forte before).  I'm also lucky enough to have an amazing friend who I can vent my frustrations to, knowing that she understands 100% and she's not going to say something stupid, like "just relax."  I'm soooo looking forward to our Skype date later this week - I need some perspective.

To finish this off, I'm sharing this video that I came across a while back.  I have heard pretty much every single one of these gems a million times in the last 2 years, and it never stops being annoying.


P.S.  I think I need to send this video and this link about IF etiquette to so many people I know (like my mom).  It's great information.

Kicked While I'm Down

That's probably the best way to describe how I'm feeling.  This week was the one year anniversary of medicated cycles.  Not exactly the kind of anniversary a person would want to celebrate.  I was trying to not let it get to me, but then, last night ... a bombshell.

I don't even have the words to talk about it right now, but it inspired a blog post by B that blew me away (go read it.  It's perfect).  It served as a perfect reminder about why I love him so much.

Quickie

I have a few more substantial drafts simmering on the back-burner, but I haven't had the time or motivation to actually finish and publish them yet.  Hopefully those will be ready soon, but in the meantime, I have a quick TTC update.

Wednesday afternoon, I had my baseline ultrasound (it was CD4) and I was given the all clear, allowing me to start the Letrozole right away.  On her way out of the exam room, my RE asked how I was doing on the Metformin, which really confused me - I've never been on Metformin.  After I explained that to her, she said that if this cycle doesn't work out, then next cycle we'll add Metformin to the cocktail, and that was the end of the appointment.  Tonight will be my last dose of the Letrozole, and so far I haven't noticed much - maybe a few twinges here and there ... I don't know.  I really hope that I have a decent reaction to the Letrozole - this is getting exhausting.  I just want things to work out for once.

Aside from that, it's been a sad week - a close friend of mine got some really devastating news at the beginning of the week, and my heart hurts for her.  If you could spend a minute to send prayers or vibes or whatever you're into, it would be very much appreciated.  <3

Memorial Day Weekend

B shared this with me on Friday, and it was too hilarious not to share.  Thank me later :)

I thought we were going to be enjoying a nice, low-key holiday weekend.  I should have known better.  Our usual huge Easter gathering didn't work out this year (mom was ill), and my parents were out of town for Mother's Day, so my mom suggested we have a Memorial Day BBQ.  I was under the impression that it was going to be a smaller gathering - my parents, sisters, and maybe grandma, and the in-laws.  Ha!  Not even close.  My brother and sister-in-law don't have to work, so they're coming up, and my sister-in-law's grandpa, my youngest sister's boyfriend, and one of my close friends and her 2 children are also joining us.  Our house is going to be crammed full of people in a couple of hours.  Yipes!

B and I spent the better part of yesterday cleaning the house - it was nowhere near ready for company.  It actually looks really good right now, hopefully it lasts more than a day.

Have a groovy time this Memorial Day weekend, friends!

Issues

Last week, I finally bought something I've been lusting over for months now ... a subscription to HGTV magazine.  I have a feeling B and his dad are going to have a bunch more projects added to the list for this summer.  Anyway, I had been watching subscription rates for a while, and when they dropped to $15 for a year's subscription, I knew it was the perfect timing.

What I didn't realize when I purchased the subscription was that it was for print only.  Martha Stewart tricked me.  With my Martha Stewart Living magazine subscription, a digital copy of every issue from the subscription was available - at the time, I didn't have my iPad and I couldn't get it on my Kindle Fire, so I never used it.  When I finally bought the HGTV subscription - post iPad purchase - I was really looking forward to my free digital copy, only to be let down when I realized that I would have to pay a couple dollars an issue for the digital version.  I did a little research, and found out that if I want to, I could switch my subscription to digital only, and now I can't decide.  If I keep the print subscription, I'll be able to tear out pages I like and share my magazines with my mother-in-law (she was pretty pumped when I said I ordered the magazines - she's a huge HGTV fan).  If I go with the digital subscription, I'll get the issue sooner, I won't be contributing to the death of trees, but I also won't be able to share, plus I think I'd kind of miss the feeling of the glossy magazine paper.  I hate making decisions.  First world problems.

This debate that I'm having with myself very closely reflects a conversation that B and his friend had during one of the earlier episodes of their podcast regarding their preference between print or digital content, specifically discussing movies, comic books, and video games.  The general consensus was that digital copies are convenient, publishers of different forms of content are creating the digital files anyway, so people should have the option to buy premium packages for a couple extra dollars to have access to both (like most film companies offer Blu-Rays with Ultraviolet codes or just the Blu-Ray disk for a slightly discounted rate.  The same should be offered for books, magazine subscriptions, etc.)  I'm definitely the type of person who prefers to buy the physical copy of a book - there's something about a bookshelf full of things I've read and enjoyed that makes me happy.  On the other hand, I also love the convenience of having content available on my iPad or phone rather than carting around a heavy book (my purses are stuffed full as it is).

I feel kind of awkward asking questions because this blog gets so little traffic, but what the hell ... where do you - my few but dear readers - fall on the digital vs physical copy spectrum?

Break

Holy eff, it's been a while since I've posted anything.  I guess writer's block managed to get the best of me (it doesn't help that this cycle has been boring as hell), but I managed to dig up some motivation - and I'm back!  For now.

Tonight will be my 4th night of Provera, which gets me one step closer to the next cycle - thank goodness.  It will be interesting to see if I notice any differences between Clomid and Femara (aside from not getting those damn hot flashes).  Better follies and eggs would be fantastic.  We'll see in a few weeks I guess.  I need to work on writing down questions I have for the doc, because everything pretty much flies out of my brain when I have my feet in the stirrups, staring down the vag cam.  The number one question on my mind right now comes from a place of confusion - thanks nurses.  When I called to ask for the Provera, the nurse said they'd put the order in after I took a blood pregnancy test (negative, obvi), and then once the Provera worked we could start my Femara/Follistim cycle.  I don't remember my doc saying anything about Follistim right away ... I don't know if it was a mistake or I misunderstood the doc at my last appointment, but I need to get that sorted out for sure.  I really really don't want to have to give myself injections, and I know there's no way in hell B would give them to me ... ugh.

I had to "come out" about my infertility to one of the administrators at the daycare, which I really didn't want to do.  Our summer schedule will be starting soon, and I wanted to make sure to request the same hours as I had last summer (6-12:30) so I would be able to get to my appointments when necessary, and I figured the only way she'd take the request seriously was if I gave her the full explanation.  I expected compassion, considering she's a mother of 2 young children and we work in child care.  That was stupid of me.  It took 2 days for her to email me a response, and it was disappointing at best.  She was "so sorry to hear about the situation" and would take that into consideration, but she'd been having meetings with the rest of the staff and taking notes on their requests too, so the outcome is TBD.  Thanks for the answers, much appreciated.  [Eye roll]  I guess if they're not willing to work with my appointments, I'll have to make a decision about my future with the center.  We can't really afford for me to not work, but there's no way I'm going to take the summer off of treatments - I'm not going to lose 3 months because it's inconvenient for them.  I've sacrificed a lot for this job, but this is non-negotiable - I will not sacrifice my fertility treatments for them.  Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

There has also been some positive stuff going on while I've been taking my blogging vacation.  B bought a new (refurbed) TV - 70 inches of HD in yo face.  It's pretty awesome, even though we really didn't need a new TV.  B had been watching sales for months looking for the perfect giant TV, and when he found the offer for this one, I just told him to go for it - my princess gets whatever he wants (love you, boo).  I really can't talk though, because I got a pretty expensive new toy too.  We finally took the plunge and bought a dishwasher (hallelujah!  I hate washing dishes).  We bought it last weekend, and it sat in it's home, not hooked up to anything all week, until yesterday.  B's dad came over to set it up yesterday morning, I put my first load of dirty dishes in yesterday afternoon ... and then we found out that there's an issue somewhere along the line - the dishwasher wasn't getting any water in it.  Pops is supposed to fix it sometime this afternoon when we grill out for Mother's Day.

I have been on a blog reading bender lately - I came across a blog that was really funny and interesting over NIAW (one of my friends posted a link to it), and then from that blog I found another and another and another ... and now I'm following like a dozen new blogs written by amazing women (and some of their husbands) about their journey through infertility.  The sense of support from the infertility community is amazing.  In an overwhelming time filled with medications and procedures and stupid advice and heartbreak, it's nice to have somewhere to turn where there are people who understand.

Stuck

I think that's the best way to describe how I've been feeling lately.

I think in my last TTC update (which was posted forever ago), I was dealing with a canceled cycle.  And that canceled cycle lasted 65 days.  This time around, I took 150mg of Clomid, which helped me grow 2 nice looking follicles.  On CD12, they were 15.9mm and 15.3mm.  But then my estradiol results came in super low.  I went back on CD16 in the hopes that my estradiol had increased, but of course, that wasn't the case.  Another canceled cycle to add to the list.  So now I'm in a different kind of 2 week wait - the one were I sit around waiting until I can call and ask for my Provera prescription (because it's very unlikely that AF is going to show up naturally), and then we can move onto the next cycle.  I'm looking forward to the next cycle - the plan is to try Femara this time, and I'm really hoping that it works out better than the Clomid.

I've been really stuck at work too (which is a topic that I try to avoid bringing up around here).  I've barely been tolerating my job for a while, but I've finally come to accept that this job is never going to be satisfying to me, I'm never going to advance, and I'm done trying to fight to make this job something it's not.  I'm starting to feel like my brain is mush-ifying.  A while back, I was seriously looking into going back to school for my Master's degree, but then decided to put it off.  It's expensive, we have a bunch of student loans that need to be paid off, it's time consuming, and we were just starting to try to get pregnant, so the timing wasn't right.  And now, with the fertility treatments, it's even less of an option - the timing isn't right again, so of course this is the time that I'd start thinking about going back to school again.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to find some kind of alternative to appeal to my academic side that's a bit less expensive, that way I can exercise my brain without breaking the bank.  We'll see what happens.

So yeah, that's what's been going on lately.  Fun times :)

Totally Radical, Dude

It’s a 90’s throwback weekend for B and I. We started off our day seeing Jurassic Park in 3D, and we’ll be ending our evening at the BMO Harris Bradley Center for a 90’s night Bucks game, complete with halftime performance by Vanilla Ice. I’m a big fan of the 90’s and Vanilla Ice, so this is a pretty epic day for me. Except for the whole Jurassic Park thing. I didn’t really dig that. (Get it?!? Dig. Dinosaurs. Good one)

27

Yesterday was my 27th birthday, and even though I’m not a fan of getting older, it was one of my favorite birthdays (number one is my 25th - it wasn’t really even because we did anything special, but we were in Atlanta on our delayed honeymoon, and it was just really nice to be on vacation with my hubster on my birthday).

B really spoiled me in the gift department this year. He bought us tickets to see Wicked, The Sims 3: University Life expansion pack, and - the ice cream on the cake - an iPad mini and a keyboard case. Seriously - so spoiled. Coming up with gift ideas for his birthday this June is going to be exponentially more difficult (which sucks, because buying B gifts is super difficult in the first place). Even though I am a grown-ass woman, I was also spoiled by my mommy. I sent her links to iPad cases as a joke, and she ended up buying me my favorite one. I’m seriously so lucky to have such an amazing family.

B and I were able to go out to lunch together yesterday - he took a midday break to take me to the clinic for a blood draw (blood pregnancy test before being prescribed Provera - negative, obviously). I love spending time with him, so it was really special to spend a little extra time with him.

After I got home from the clinic, the internet gave me a birthday gift too. The 98th episode of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries was posted on YouTube, and *spoiler alert* Lizzie and Darcy kissed. Ahhhh! It was great. I loved reading Pride and Prejudice in high school (I’ve read it probably 3 or 4 times by now, not including reading the trade of the Marvel comic adaptation), so I became very fond of the web series after only a couple of episodes. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is such an awesome web series - the adaptation of the classic story into a modern, web based story is done so well … I highly recommend it. (Thanks to Felicia Day for featuring LBD on The Flog and turning me into an obsessed fangirl.)

One of the final highlights of my birthday was something that was kind of dumb, but it’s the little things that make me happy. I was bumped up to level 27 on The Simpsons: Tapped Out on my 27th birthday (justju21 if you want to add another neighbor-eeno). Pretty cool. :)

So yeah, that’s what’s been happening around here lately (along with a whole lotta nothing). I’ve had the urge to write lately, but I haven’t had anything to say. Hopefully something exciting comes up soon so I can get back to regular updates.

Canceled

This cycle was officially canceled on CD22 (last Friday).  I went in Friday morning for a blood draw to check on my estradiol level - it was low on CD13, still low on CD16, slightly higher on CD18, and then plummeted again on CD22.  It never broke 100, which was definitely not a good sign.  My wimpy E2 has been the bane of my existence for a few months now.  I actually remembered to ask my NP if there was anything that could be done to help it improve, but she said the only way to help it would be to increase my Clomid dose next round and hope that my follicles grow faster.  Yay.

So now we’re pretty much back to square one, which totally sucks.  I have to admit, I wasn’t really feeling this cycle - it just didn’t feel the same as the ones when I actually did ovulate.  I was super surprised at my mid-cycle scans when we saw 2 growing follicles - I wasn’t expecting to see any good one, but of course they had to fizzle out and be disappointing, as usual.  At this point, I’m surprised when something good happens rather than the opposite.

Regardless of my low expectations, I’m still bummed that this cycle was such a waste.  We’re getting down to the wire - if I have a cycle in March, it will be our last chance to have a baby in 2013.

I like even numbers better anyway … :)

Frustrated

With everything that’s going on right now, I could really use a win.  Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening any time soon.

On Saturday, B took our Prius to the dealership because we had gotten some recall notices.  Of course they found $1,200 worth of things that needed to be fixed up, including a $400 water pump that needed to be fixed immediately.  Awesome.  (The rest of that stuff includes some stupid things like replacing the spark plugs, so we’re going to put that off for a little while.)  As much as I love our Prius, I’m really tempted to just sell it.  I don’t want to deal with paying a bunch of money for all of that junk, we only use it on the weekends because B has a company car and I don’t drive … we could use the extra money from our car payment every month to pay student loans or improve the house … We’ll see what ends up happening with it.

After B finally got home from the dealership in his rental car, we took our cat to the vet.  She had a hernia on her left side from the day we picked her up from the humane society, and there was a new lump that had formed in front of the prior one, which worried us.  Our plan was for her to have surgery to have these problems fixed - she was dropped off Monday night, had surgery Tuesday afternoon, and she came home yesterday afternoon.  The surgery was more complicated than they had expected (both lumps were indeed hernias, but there’s a third that goes into her chest cavity.  It’s blocked off by some connective tissue that acts as a fat storage area, so we shouldn’t have to worry about it, but it’s something for us to keep in mind if she ever starts acting “off.”  Some of the connective fatty tissue was removed from the 2 hernias on her left side.)  She looks so sad and pathetic.  (They didn’t clean her up very well post-op, so she’s going to need a sponge bath eventually.  Maybe when she’s feeling a little better in a few days.)



I haven’t seen her eat or drink anything since she came home, but she’s used the litter box, so I guess that’s a good sign.  I think the cone on her head is part of why she’s so mopey.  It can’t be fun.  She’s only had a partial dose of her pain medication - she fought really hard when I tried to give her a dose last night.  The girl hates medicine.  We have to take her back to the vet in a week and a half to have the staples removed, so I’m sure that will be a fun adventure also.

Before we picked the cat up from the vet’s office yesterday, we went to my clinic for my mid-cycle follicle scan.  This time, there were 2 follicles, but they were only 13mm and 12mm (on CD13).  I have another ultrasound appointment on Saturday (CD16).  I’m not sure how that’s going to go though, because the results from my E2 draw yesterday SUCKED.  We were looking for a 200 range, and my result was 56.  I’m so frustrated.  I really thought that being on the double dose of Clomid was going to make this cycle better.  Wrong again.  Urgh.  Hopefully I’ll have a chance to talk to my NP before the appointment on Saturday and we can figure out a way to help those numbers improve (if that’s even possible).

I kind of feel bad that I’m not in a very good mood on Valentine’s day.  I didn’t do anything special for either of my classes - I didn’t have the energy.  B and I don’t have anything too crazy planned for tonight either - we decided our lunch out yesterday would count as our special Valentine’s dinner, and we text messaged each other funny Valentine cards this afternoon - good enough for me.

Hopefully things start getting better soon … that would be nice.

My husband is the greatest.  Over the weekend, he gave me the green light to order myself an early Valentine’s Day/Birthday combo gift - a Silhouette Portrait.  I’ve had my eye on Silhouette products for a while, but could never pull the trigger because I couldn’t justify spending $300 on my arts and crafts hobby.  Thankfully, the new Silhouette Portrait comes in at a much more reasonable price of $200, and thanks to shopping around and watching for sales, I was able to snag my fancy new toy for $160 from Overstock.com (free shipping!!).

UPS delivered the machine yesterday, just minutes after I had left for work, so I had to get through 3 hours of anticipation until I could start checking out my new toy.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to play with it.  B really wanted to catch up on TV last night because we had a night apart, so I installed the software, but didn’t have a chance to do much more than browse at all of the designs they have in the digital store and start putting together a wishlist.  I was lazy today and didn’t start playing with it until after noon, leaving me with not enough time to actually start cutting.  I did manage to fix an issue I was having, as well as add some free cut files that I’ve found via Pinterest.  We’re busy tonight and tomorrow as well, so I guess I’m going to have to wait until Sunday to play and cut and enjoy this new machine.

So far, I’m really impressed with my Silhouette Portrait.  It’s a nice size, the software isn’t too confusing, and customer support is efficient and friendly.  I’m definitely looking forward to the crafting adventures to come.

I’ve been meaning to write a post about nothing in particular, but I’ve been having a hard time finding my voice. (Kind of ironic, because over the weekend, I nearly lost my actual voice from this stupid cold that I’m battling) I’m hoping the magic combination of inspiration and motivation will come to me sooner rather than later …

Yesterday it was 54* out.

Currently, it is 27* and snowing like crazy.

I just got called off of my second half of my split shift because schools are closing early.  Woo hoo!  Partial snow day!

On Wednesday, B and I went on an awesome adventure.  I’ve been meaning to write about it since Thursday, but my motivation has pretty much been at zero all week.  It happens, I guess.

B bought us tickets to see “The Book of Mormon” way back in March.  The big day finally came around last Wednesday, and we made the day an adventure.

This is how our day went:
-stopped by my clinic to get a blood draw (I had an order in for a blood pregnancy test.  Negative.  No surprise there.)
-browsed at Toys R Us while waiting for lunch menu to come up, found a super disturbing doll - Moxie Girlz “Poopsy Pets” (seriously, what are toy makers thinking??  Do little girls really like these things?  Ugh.)
-ate lunch at Chick-fil-A (we don’t agree with their beliefs about gay people - love is love and it’s nobody’s business - but damn those are delicious sandwiches)
-finished drive to Chicago, shopped at Old Navy (I managed to walk out without spending too much money - one tank top on clearance for $3.50 - woot!) and browsed Blick Art Store
-went to Bank of America Theatre to see “The Book of Mormon” - it was awesome.  Ben Platt (aka Benji from “Pitch Perfect”) was Elder Cunningham.  Highlight of my day.
-ate at Exchequer pub.  We got a deep dish pizza.  Yummmm!
-browsed around the City Target, bought Mrs. Fields milk chocolate chip cookies
-left Chicago around 6 and managed to not get too stuck in traffic, then ran into white-out snow in Wisconsin (that was super scary)
-arrived at home around 9, just in time for bed.

I really enjoyed spending a random Wednesday adventuring with my husband.  Going to see “The Book of Mormon” was totally his idea, I didn’t know what to expect really … he did a good job.  Hopefully we can arrange some more fun date adventures soon.