Silence is Golden

Holy shit - I haven't posted here in over 2 months.  I feel super guilty about neglecting this space, and as always, I have excuses for why I've been away.  The first is that I've been incredibly busy and exhausted lately.  I've been doing a bit of babysitting, and the kids keep me running constantly.  By the end of the night, I have no brain power left.  And the second excuse ... I feel like this is a non-announcement announcement ...  Given the fact that I wasn't here bitching and swearing after beta day, I think it's probably obvious - I'm pregnant!  14 weeks and a few days to be exact.  (That still feels very weird to write/say.)

Going through IVF was a very interesting and intense experience.  The stim drugs weren't too bad - it was a minor psychological battle the first couple of shots, but once I got back into the groove (this wasn't my first rodeo with injectables), it wasn't a big deal.  I gave myself Lupron shots in a movie theater bathroom stall and a Qdoba bathroom, and Brent gave me PIO injections in our car twice - once at a friend's wedding, and once before a concert in downtown Milwaukee.  We were professionals.  The bloating and discomfort that come from over-stimulating egg production is no joke.  It definitely made for some interesting days, but having a strong retrieval was well worth it.  We ended up collecting 20 eggs - 17 were mature, 15 fertilized normally, 13 grew at a good rate, and in the end, we had 5 great quality embryos.  Two were transferred, and three of them are waiting for us in the embryology lab freezer.  The weirdest part of the whole process was the retrieval itself.  I didn't realize that instead of a full, knocked out anesthesia, I would be getting a weird Twilight anesthesia, and I still have a funny feeling about it.  I feel like I was too present, and I felt (and remember feeling) more than I was supposed to feel.  I remember the weird pain-ish feeling of the long needle used to aspirated the follicles poking my insides, and I don't think that's normal.  Thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.  Anyway, the transfer was perfect, the 2 week wait was minimally annoying, and I managed to follow through on not testing at home before the beta.  We ended up having 3 draws done to make sure the hcg was rising the way it should, and the values were doubling pretty perfectly - 152, 323, and 724.

Our first ultrasound had been scheduled for around 7 weeks, but a minor scare (that felt pretty major at the time) bumped our ultrasound up a few days.  We were reassured by a strong heartbeat and a view of one healthy little blob.  My favorite part about IVF was getting ultrasounds every 2 weeks in the beginning - seeing the changes at every appointment was amazing (I'm pretty sure my brain is going to explode when I see how different the baby looks after 8 weeks between ultrasounds).  At our 8 week appointment, we saw perfect growth and a heartbeat of 178, which seemed to impress the doctor and made us feel more confident in everything, and at 10 weeks, we graduated from the fertility clinic after seeing a heartbeat of 180 and a very wiggly little gummy bear shaped baby.  Graduating was a little bittersweet for me -Ii had grown quite attached to the nurses, so I was sad to say goodbye to them, but having a healthy baby growing (and not needing to go to appointments an hour away from home all the time) was very exciting.

I scheduled my first OB visit in early December, and everything was perfect at that appointment as well ... And I just feel like I'm probably dreaming all of this because it seems too good to be true.  We told family and close friends as we reached different milestones at the early ultrasounds, and we recently made it Facebook official as well (which totally freaked me out, honestly).

I'm still trying to decide how I plan to document the rest of this pregnancy around here.  Maybe weekly-ish updates on things. Or every 2 weeks. Or something, I don't know.  All I really know right now is I am so incredibly thankful to be where I am right now - it's been a long time coming.

5dp5dt

For the individuals who didn't take IF acronyms as a second language, the title translates to 5 days post 5 day transfer.  On Sunday, we had a textbook perfect transfer with two excellent quality B+ embryos.

Since they have arrived in my uterus, I've been talking to the embryos - mostly in my head, sometimes outloud - asking them to get cozy.  I've been telling them how much I want them, and it's okay if they make me feel sick for a while, it's okay if they grow and punch my organs from the inside ... I just hope at least one of them listened.  I've been calling them the hulk babies because they're green in the picture we received from the Embryologist.

This 2 week wait has been pretty much torture for me so far.  After everything we've done, I just want to know now if it worked out or not.  Patience is clearly not one of my strengths.  Yesterday I went in for labs on estrogen and progesterone, and that ended up bringing me some added stress, the last thing I need.  My progesterone level was pretty low - 14.4 - so they have added in more progesterone supplementation in the form of Endometrin suppositories twice a day.  They're expensive (of course), but at least they come with an applicator so I don't have to manually put them in my hoo ha.  I'm trying to just go with it and not let the numbers and the meds get to me, but the fear that it's a bad indication overwhelms me sometimes.  The whole process overwhelms me sometimes, honestly.

My beta lab is scheduled for the middle of next week, and I'm not planning on testing early.  It's tempting, but B would prefer that I wait (and my bestie agreed with him), so I'm going to resist the internet cheapies calling my name.  Waiting isn't going to be easy - it's that patience thing again - but it's only a few more days ... Hopefully they go quickly and end in good news.

Blog Challenge Day 30: IF Blogs I Love

There are a lot of great infertility blogs.  Some of my favorites are:

Murky Mercurial

Misadventures of Premature Ovarian Failure

Salt in the Womb

And so many more.  I need to update the blogs I love list in my right sidebar, but it's a good place to look if you want to read the stories of some amazing women.

Blog Challenge Day 29: Bucket List

I have never really put much thought into an official bucket list, so it took me longer than it probably should have to come up with this short list.

1. Travel anywhere outside of the United States.
2. See the Northern Lights.
3. Meet my internet friends in person.
4. Have a baby. (Hopefully. Or add a baby/child to our family through whatever means end up working for us.)
5. Be debt-free.

I'm sure if I spent a lot of time thinking about it, I could come up with a lot more exciting things, but off the top of my head, these are things I'd like to do or experience before I kick the bucket.

Blog Challenge Day 28: Advocacy in Daily Life

I think it's pretty important to use all of the knowledge I've gained from our experiences to help educate people about infertility etiquette and ART processes.  Whenever the topic comes up, I do my best to share any information that may be helpful and try to correct any misinformation.  I'm not always effective when I share information, and I know it is 100% because of my approach.  While I want people to have correct information, I don't want to come across as snobbish about things, so I'm usually pretty casual in my approach.  When asked about when embryos will be implanted, I usually respond with "the embryos will be transferred on x date."  By being gentle and subtle with my corrections, I feel like it's less condescending while still providing the correct term.  I'm sure there are better ways to approach grass-roots, low level advocacy, but so far, I'm pretty satisfied with my current amount of involvement.  In the future, I'd like to become more involved in different events.

Blog Challenge Day 27: My Favorite Outfit

I forgot to take a picture of my favorite outfit, but I didn't wear it today., so ... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.  I probably should have wore it today, I felt really crappy and bloated, and my favorite outfit would have made me feel a little more human.  My feel-good outfit is pretty much my everyday uniform - yoga pants, a tank top, and a soft t-shirt (poor husband).  When I feel like making it a little more special, I have a lightweight off the shoulder sweater that I love.  It's nice and loose in the tummy area so it hides the bloat but still looks cute.  I'll try to upload a photo of my favorite outfits tomorrow :).

Blog Challenge Day 26: IF Invention and IVF Update

One of my infertility pet peeves, which I surprisingly forgot to include in my ranty pet peeve post, is when people, especially people who should know better, say implanting embryos instead of transferring.  This common misconception about the IVF process is the inspiration for an invention that I think would revolutionize the IVF process.  That invention is the technology that will allow RE's to actually implant the embryos into the uterus.  Science is getting close with the production of EmbryoGlue, a compound that is supposed to make embryos more sticky to increase chances of implantation.  Maybe in the future, implanting embryos will be a possibility.


*****IVF Update:  I didn't realize it had been so long since I last updated (last update was 9/5, after my surgery).  Tonight was my 8th night of stims, and I've had 3 monitoring appointments.  So far, I've been responding pretty well, and my original dowse of 5 units of Lupron, 75 units of Menopur, and 125 units of Follistim have remained unchanged.  Overall, I'm pretty satisfied with the number of follicles and their growth.  Lefty is being a problem child, as usual, and not producing as many follicles (and most of the ones that are there are smaller), but my RE is very satisfied with how things are going so far, and she's the expert, so I'm just trying to go with the flow.  I have abother monitoring appointment on Sunday, and hopefully then I'll find out my trigger and retrieval dates.  I can't believe we're getting so close the the finis line of this cycle.  Today was the first day that I felt uncomfortable in my abdominal region - maybe the bloat wasn't as noticable until now because of my extra blubber layers.  I'm planning on taking things pretty easy this weekend to help with the discomfort.

Blog Challenge Day 25: Best Advice

There are so many great sources of advice for couples who are newly diagnosed with infertility as well as etiquette suggestions for the friends and family of couples with infertility.  Unfortunately, not all family and friends follow those guidelines, so this is my open letter to them.  (I know I'm not adding anything new with this letter, just reiterating the excellent points made by others.)

Dear Family and Friends of Infertiles,

Infertility is a really sensitive subject, and unless the couple in question implicitly tells you they want to talk about it, it's best to keep quiet.  A simple "I'm thinking about you, and I'm here for you if you want to talk" is just fine, but try not to take it any further unless you're invited to do so.  Advice and platitudes aren't helpful - we (infertiles) understand they're well intentioned, but we guarantee we've heard it before, and it's not helpful.  In fact, it's annoying.  The anecdotes about a friend's cousin's best friend who had success after doing x, y, and z is lovely, but it doesn't apply to every situation.  Basically, what it boils down to is:  if you're not a Reproductive Endocrinologist, please don't give medical advice.  We wouldn't be paying a specialist thousands of dollars if there was a cheaper or simpler way to do things.  At this point, it's pretty much guaranteed that we've tried it.  Again, we appreciate the good intentions, but we don't need anecdotes.  We need support and a shoulder to lean on (and this does not mean pity!).

Thank you for trying to understand this delicate situation.

Blog Challenge Day 24: New IF Acronym

The trying to conceive and infertility communities have so many acronyms it sometimes seems like a secret code or a foreign language.  The last thing we need is more acronyms, but but I thought it would be fun anyway.  And then I couldn't think of an original acronym to save my life.  There is one that I've seen online that really resonated with me - IVFML.  Perfect for those times when things don't go exactly as planned during an IVF cycle.  It also kind of speaks to the fact that IVF completely takes over your life - IVF is my life.  Mercurial came up with a couple of amazing acronyms of her own as well.

Blog Challenge Day 23: IF Superpower

According to B, if I was a superhero, I would be Vagina Girl.  I'm not sure how I feel about that ... but that's what I get for asking him to help me with this post.  It's my own fault.  Moving on ...

There have been many days when my super power has been very clear and completely uncontrolled - that power is hormone induced Hulk rage.  This cycle hasn't been that bad, honestly, but in the past - especially on Clomid - my already hot temper would go from 0 to HULK SMASH over the tiniest things in a fraction of a second.  I also have super mood swings and ultra hot flashes that make me feel like the Human Torch.  I'm a big bucket of fun when I'm on hormones :).

Blog Challenge Days 21 & 22: Marriage, IF and Loving my Husband

Since I fell behind, I figured it would be easiest to catch up my combining 2 posts - thankfully that worked out well, because I feel like the challenge topics for days 21 and 22 are related - tips and tricks for keeping marriage fun, and reasons why I love my husband.

Dealing with infertility can really mess up a marriage.  We've been really lucky in that we've gotten closer despite the struggle, but that doesn't make it any less difficult to keep our marriage fun and exciting.  It feels like recently we've been in a bit of a rut, so honestly I could really use some tips to spice up our marriage a little.  We weren't expecting to have to pay for a surgery, and all of these monitoring appointments add up - our bank account is getting angry with us, so we've had to cut back on our usual dates of shopping and movies.  I'm hoping to make our marriage more fun and exciting by trying to change our routine.  Weeknights are tricky because B is usually pretty tired when he gets home from work, but we have no excuse for lazing about on the weekends.  When we don't go to movies or go shopping, we usually spend all day on the sofa watching TV, and that just gets boring after a while.  I have a bunch of cheap or free at-home or local date ideas saved on Pinterest, we really should try some of those ideas to bring a little fun back into our lives.  We do have a few fun things coming up - our friends' wedding and a concert - so that should bring a little more excitement also.  Maybe we'll plan a random adventure soon too.  Adventures are great.  :)

B is also great (see what I did there?  That was a smooth transition).  He's the type of guy who sees good in pretty much everyone - it takes a lot to get on his bad side.  He has a great sense of humor - he's sarcastic, witty, and sometimes really out-there and silly, and it's one of his best traits.  He does a great job of changing the mood in crappy/awkward/whatever situations.  I also think his passion (sometimes obsession) for his hobbies is really awesome.  It can be annoying at times - would it kill him to not be on his laptop and iPad while we're watching TV together?? - but he has so many interests he's constantly multi-tasking to keep up with them.  I'm actually kind of jealous of how many interests he has.  He is a very talented writer even though he doesn't have a lot of confidence in his work, and I wish he would get back into writing more frequently.  He loves sports, especially baseball and wrestling (and sometimes basketball), and he loves movies.  He tries to watch every single movie that comes out each year (with a few exceptions, he has some standards haha).  Every week, he and his friend record a podcast about important geek news - new TV shows, what's getting canceled, reviews of movies and what's coming out that week, comic book and food reviews, new video games, cool stuff from the Internet, and so on.  He always enjoys doing the research and looking for cool new things to talk about in each episode, and he writes show notes for the blog when the episode is posted - I think the podcast might be one of his favorite things to do.  B also has a really great work ethic.  Whether he's working on his actual work or working on podcast things, he gives everything 100% - he's not the type of guy to half-ass things (except maybe helping with chores.  That he tries to wiggle out of sometimes).  He has a lot of really great traits and interests that I hope he'll pass on to our future kids.

Blog Challenge Day 20: Share a Passion

Whoops, another late post.  I meant to get this posted yesterday, but we spent the evening at our friend's house playing board games with a bunch of our friends, and before that, most of my family was at our house visiting.

Anyway, the challenge is to share something I'm passionate about, and I had a difficult time thinking of something.  I asked B what I'm passionate about, and his first response was having a baby.  He's definitely not wrong - that has definitely been my biggest passion lately.  It seems like that's all I really talk or think about these days.

I also have a recently rejuvenated passion for my work.  I started babysitting two little boys this summer, and I had a great time being a "teacher" again (most days, anyway).  Since school started, I've only been watching the younger child, and it is so much fun spending one on one time with him.  I've been working on teaching him new words, and it's amazing to hear his vocabulary grow.  There have been a few days when I've felt completely burnt out, and my little buddy has been more than a little difficult, but the good days definitely outnumber the bad.

So those are my top 2 passions right now ... And looking at that is making me think maybe I need to find some more passions :).

Blog Challenge Day 19: Perfect Day

My perfect day is really simple.  It would include waking up to see that B has put away the clean dishes so I can wash more dishes - or even better, there are no dishes that need to be washed.  B would be home, and we would spend the day bumming around some of our favorite places to hang out.  Maybe we'd catch a movie.  I wouldn't have to cook dinner, and we'd probably finish the night watching TV on the couch.  I would love it if we were mostly disconnected from our phones and other distractions during our day together.  I really don't need a lot of bells and whistles, I just want to spend stress-free quality time with my guy.

IVF Update:  Today was not my perfect day because it involved the vag cam (and working), but it was a pretty good one.  I went to the RE this morning to get my baseline ultrasound and labs drawn, and everything looked perfect.  I was able to check in with my RE about my procedure from 2 weeks ago - she said it looks like I've healed well, and the procedure removed everything, so now my uterus should be in perfect condition for future embryos.  I decreased my Lupron dose (from 10 units to 5) and started my Follistim (125 units) and Menopur (75 units) tonight, and that went pretty well, although all three injections tonight drew blood, which is a little unusual for me.  The nurse who drew my blood today recommended rubbing an ice cube on the intended injection site before giving the Menopur shot because it burns.  We didn't have any ice cubes so I used an ice pack for a few seconds and that worked fine.  I have my follow-up appointments set already for next week, so hopefully my ovaries respond nicely and I don't have to change my doses!

Blog Challenge Day 18: Guilty Pleasures

In the last 3 years of trying to conceive, I have had plenty of bad days.  It's impossible to not fall into a funk after a handful of canceled treatment cycles because it's just so disappointing.  Whenever I can feel myself getting particularly down, I usually turn to my guilty pleasures to brighten my mood.

1. Music - especially 90's and 00's pop.  Turning on my NSYNC or Backstreet Boys Pandora station immediately makes me feel better.  It takes me back to my middle and high school days when I didn't have a lot of responsibilities and the stress melts away.
2. Chocolate, and lots of it.  Especially in the form of chocolate cake.  There's just something comforting about a chocolate cake that makes the bad days feel less bad.
3. Crappy/mindless TV or movies - Lifetime movies are great (some are perfect for getting the tears flowing), or shows like Switched at Birth or Pretty Little Liars.  The shows and movies aren't good, but they're entertaining enough to take my mind off of the crappy mood I'm in.
4. Junk food (not the same as chocolate).  Flaming Hot Cheetos are my favorite junk food.  Salty chips are great too.  I've been trying to stay away from them lately, but when I'm in a bad mood, they're on my grocery list.

The best thing about these not-so-guilty pleasures is that they help make me feel better pretty quickly, even if it doesn't always last very long.  I also love that they're fairly cheap and easy to access, because with the infertility rollercoaster, it's only a matter of time before hitting another low.

Blog Challenge Day 17 - Go-To Resources

I have a handful of go-to resources for infertility information and support.  One of my most used resources is Twitter.  The infertility community on Twitter is amazing.  I like that I can ask about different types of treatment and I'll get a response from someone who has already experienced it and can give advice.  In my experience, everyone has been very supportive, and it feels like a safe place to vent about some of the silly or frustrating things that happen during treatment or while in limbo.

I hate to admit it, but I do still consult with Dr. Google and the occasional infertility forums.  I try to avoid Google as much as possible because it's inevitable that I'll get wrong information or the worst case scenario, but sometimes there's good information to be found as well.  I've been decreasing my activity on the infertility forum that I typically follow, not because of any problems, I'm just trying to go back to keeping some private things private.  The Fertility Authority website is an excellent resourcec, as is the Daily Shot newsletter.  The RESOLVE and Creating a Family websites are also great sources for information about infertility and family building options.

My most valuable source of support is my internet BFF.  She has gone through this process before, so she has great insights into what to expect and how to handle the stress and such.  She's my cheerleader and motivator - she has such a positive attitude and a great sense of humor - she really helps me out more than I can even say.  I'm lucky to have her as a friend and confidante.

Blog Challenge Day 16: Favorite Children's Story

I had a hard time thinking of my favorite children's story - I was (and still am) a complete bookworm, and there are so many good stories.  I'm still working on my answer for this, so in the meantime I'm going to share my least favorite children's story.

My least favorite children's story is a series of stories about a naughty little monkey named George.  I do not like the Curious George books.  Every story about George follows a simple formula - the Man in the Yellow Hat tells George not to do something, then leaves George unattended, giving him the opportunity to do exactly what he was told not to do.  A series of zany events follow, creating chaos and then, somehow, the chaos turns helpful, and George is praised and rewarded for breaking the rules.  These stories send the wrong message to kids - it's okay to not listen as long as everything works out in the end.  I understand that the books are about a monkey who is learning how the world works, but the stories fail to teach George (and the young children hearing the stories) that actions have consequences.

Edited @ 10:45 pm on 9/17:

My favorite children's story is Harriet the Spy.  When I read the book, I wanted to be just like Harriet (minus the whole losing her friends and having the whole school turn on her because of gossiping).  I think Harriet was very clever and passionate about writing, even if she went about it the wrong way.  In the end, she learns a valuable lesson about gossip and how it can ruin relationships, and she learns to use her spy skills in a way that benefits others rather than hurting them.  Overall, I think it's a very entertaining story.

A very close second place goes to the entire Babysitters Club series.  I loooooved that series - I had every book, loved the movie, I watched the tv series, and may have even had a board game (or am I just imagining that?).  I even had a dream fairly recently about living in Stoneybrook [nerd alert!].  The stories were entertaining and the characters were relatable.  It was a great series, and I'm tempted to re-read it as an adult.

I did not include Harry Potter as my favorite children's story because the later books got really dark, and I kind of don't consider it to be a children's story (even though I know that's what it began as).  The Harry Potter series is my all-time favorite story.

Blog Challenge Day 15: Open Letter

Dear Lupron,
We've been together for a full week now, and so far, I'm happy with our relationship.  You've only given me 2 bad headaches, and I think I've been myself for the most part.  Thank you for not turning me into a raging she-beast (at least, not any more than usual) and for not making me feel like shit.  I truly appreciate this favorable experience.

XO,
Me

Dear Ear Infection,
You're not welcome here. Go away.

Seriously,  GTFO.
Me

Dear IVF,
Please work. Pretty please. Pretty please with sprinkles and whipped topping and chocolate sauce and cherries on top.

XO,
Me

Blog Challenge Day 14: Traits/Characteristics/Values

This post is late (a day late and a dollar short) because I was planning on collaborating with B on this post yesterday, but that didn't really work out.  I forgot to bring it up on our long car rides, and he fell asleep on the sofa after I asked him for his input (I did get one response last night at least).   Anyway, these are a sampling of the traits, characteristics, and values that we hope to pass on to our future kids - if we shared our complete list, it would me miles long (and probably pretty boring).

We hope our future child(ren) will;

• Be hard working and have a strong work ethic.  Along with this comes an understanding of the value of money and time.
• Be open-minded.
• Be respectful of other people, of animals, and of the planet (yes, I know that sounds kind of hippie dippie, but that's important to me.)
• Have a strong sense of imagination.
• Be independent.
• Have a sense of humor.
• Love reading and learning.
• Be compassionate.

So there it is, a very small sample of some characteristics we hope to pass on to our future kids.  

Blog Challenge Day 13: Life Outside of IF

Sometimes it really doesn't seem like it, but I have a life outside of infertility!

I'm not the best at keeping up with hobbies, mostly because I've really been neglecting them lately - I need to fix that, pronto.  This year, I started a Project Life photo album - I try to take a few fun photos throughout the week to document the different things we've done, then I journal about them and stick them in a pocket scrapbook.  Or I would if I actually got my pictures printed frequently.  I'm currently a few months behind (it's really bad, I need to set aside a few days to just work on things), but I keep up with planning pages to remind myself what we've done during the week, and I add the photos I plan to use in the album to an app called Collect, and that helps me stay somewhat on track.

I also really love to draw, and have been practicing hand lettering quite a bit.  I love the creative chalkboards that people make with quotes and such, as well as creative envelope addressing.  For a few months, I created a new drawing  every couple of weeks on our kitchen whiteboard (whiteboards are nice because it's easy to change and fix mistakes), but I've been a slacker and haven't updated the board in a while. It's definitely overdue, as the current doodle says "fun in the sun" (along with some messages my sisters left when they were at the house while we were away) which no longer applies, as it's feeling very much like fall lately.  I'm going to have to sketch up some ideas, hopefully I can find some inspiration.

I also consider updating parts of our house a hobby, but it can be quite an expensive one, so those projects are usually few and far between.  Right now, I have a few things that need to be completed - the coat hooks to finish our front entry, a new towel hanger for the downstairs bathroom, putting the final coat of paint on the trim in our garage entry, painting the garage entry ... I'm hoping to get the coat hooks and towel hanger done soon, the other projects probably will have to continue to wait.

One hobby that I always make time for is listening to music (yes, that's totally a hobby).  Most days, when I'm not working, I spend more time with my phone playing a Spotify or Pandora playlist than I do watching TV.  It's the easiest way to manipulate my mood - if I wake up feeling like crap, I play songs that perk me up; if I need to be productive, I turn the music up loud so I can dance around like an idiot while I get things done.

I've been noticing, especially now that we're in the middle of this IVF cycle, that I haven't been paying attention to the things I enjoy doing, so this has been a great reminder to step away from Dr. Google and the infertility forums and work on fun projects.

Blog Challenge Day 12: #IFproblems

Even after nearly 3 years of trying to conceive, I haven't had any really embarrassing or funny stories yet.  I'm almost a little disappointed, honestly.

I do know that we'll have a semi-entertaining scenario soon.  In a couple of weeks, we have a wedding to attend - just in time for me to start PIO shots.  I'm hoping B and I will be able to comandeer a bathroom so we can have some privacy while I get the shot.  If all else fails, I suppose we could do it in the car, but that's definitely a last resort situation.  I'm sure everything will work out fine and it will end up being a non-event.  I should feel thankful that nothing has gone awry so far, but it just feels wrong to not have any embarrassing stories to share.

Blog Challenge Day 11: Getting Organized

When we first decided when we planned to start the IVF process, I started doing my research on the process, including tips and tricks to make the process easier.  Almost everything I read emphasized the importance of being organized.  I am not an organized person by nature (although I wish I was), so it's easier said than done for me.

There were a couple ideas on Pinterest that caught my eye, but I wasn't ambitious enough for them (which is to say I would have had to spend money, and I'm broke).  I have seen The IVF Journal pinned on nearly every infertility board I follow.  I think it sounds like a great idea - a binder/book full of useful informations and helpful forms to help keep everything organized - genius.  I'm not going to buy that though.  For my papers, I stuck to the system that has worked for me in the past - an envelope folder (from Target's Dollar Spot) with 5 sections.   It's not the most creative, but it gets the job done.

My favorite med storage solution that I came across was the use of an over the door shoe organizer.  Syringes and meds go into labeled pockets and the organizer is hung over your bathroom door - so clever.  Unfortunately, it's not the most practical for me because I frequently babysit, and I use our downstairs bathroom for injections - it probably wouldn't be the best idea to have a shoe organizer fil of syringes hanging on the door of the bathroom that children use.  For my meds, I stuck everything for each different medication into it's own separate baggie.  Honestly, the pharmacy gave me a head start on that by sending most of the meds that way, I just shuffled a few things to consolidated bags.  Then the separate bags were stuck in a clear plastic shoe box storage container thing and shoved it in the cabinet above our sink.  This is also not a unique or creative solution, and really, it doesn't even work that well.  I need to rearrange things so they fit better in the container or figure out another way to store all of my drugs and syringes.  I'm open to suggestions for better organization :).

Blog Challenge Day 10: Something Positive

This Sunday, B and I are going to Chicago for Jason Segel's book signing.  I'm pretty pumped about that.

Kim at Salt in the Womb wrote a hilarious post about the more attractive side effects that we wish would accompany fertility drugs.  This post had me literally laughing out loud this afternoon.  Check it out and dream about the more pleasant side effects that we wish were real. :)

Blog Challenge Day 9: Infertility Comfort Food

I'm not great at eating healthy, but I am pretty great at creating extremely unhealthy, high calorie desserts that come in handy when you want to eat your feelings after a BFN.  One of my more recent and most popular creations was a cake I named Eat Your Feelings cake.  It's a pretty simple recipe - basically a customized poke cake using boxed cake mix.

Ingredients:
Triple Fudge Cake Mix (and ingredients to prepare - eggs, oil, water)
Chocolate Syrup
Whipped Cream
Crushed Andes Mints

Direction:
Prepare the boxed cake mix as directed.  Poke holes into the top of the cake, drizzle with chocolate syrup.  Doing this while the cake is still warm helps the syrup melt into the holes.  Let cake cool, then frost with whipped cream.  Drizzle more chocolate sauce over the whipped cream and top with Andes mints.  Store in refrigerator.0

One of the best parts of this cake is that it's super easy to customize.  If you don't like Andes mints, replace them with your favorite crushed candy.  Chocolate syrup can be swapped for caramel sauce if so desired.  The possibilities are endless and delicious!

Blog Challenge Day 8: How Infertility Has Changed Me

Today's post is another thinker (I probably should have planned that a little better):  How has infertility changed you?

I'll start with the positives:

• It's made me understand how my reproductive system works (or mostly doesn't).  After more dates with the vag cam than I can count, and many hours consulting Dr. Google and infertility forums, I feel like I've earned a degree in Infertility Studies.  I've learned a new vocabulary filled with medical jargon and random acronyms, I've seen my uterus via ultrasound as well as photos of the inside thanks to my hysteroscopy, and I've learned so much about hormones and their role in the reproductive process.  I can explain most of the ART procedures pretty well in layman's terms, and I'm really proud of the knowledge that I've gained in this process.
• I've become more comfortable calling doctor's offices on the phone.  I used to be a nervous nelly when it came to making phone calls.  My mom was calling as me to make appointments even after I got married.  Ridiculous.  Scheduling a gazillion appointments has made me much more confident in my phone skills.
• It's made me overcome my needle phobia.  All of the lab work set up a good foundation of me becoming more comfortable with needles, and then I was thrown into the fire when we tried a Follistim cycle.  I cried for probably 15-20 minutes before giving myself my first injection, and when it was done, I laughed because it really wasn't bad at all.  Intramuscular injections were a new hurdle, but I think I've become a bit of a pro at this point.

And of course there are some negatives as well:

• I'm kind of bitter and jealous.  Just a little.  Haha.
• I've lost my innocence in regards to pregnancy.  I've seen too many friends experience losses at various points in their pregnancies, and now I know that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean a baby will be coming home in 9 months.

I'm sure there are many other ways that infertility has changed me.  B claims that it's made me more mean toward him, but I don't know if that's true ... maybe just sometimes :).  The Clomid (and maybe the Lupron) made me do it.

Blog Challenge Day 7: Changing the Past

Today's question is a bit of a thinker:  If you could go back and change one minor event in your infertility journey, what would it be?

I think in a lot of circumstances, there are always several things that people would want to change - hindsight being 20/20 and whatnot.  It's difficult for me to think of only one small thing I would change - there are two moments that I think were mistakes that shaped our journey.  The first mistake I made was not questioning my General Practitioner when she told me there was no reason for my irregular cycles and that my blood hormone results were normal.  I should have asked for a referral to someone who could get to the root of the problem.  By making the minor change of speaking up when I felt my concerns weren't being heard, we could have moved on to treatment and a diagnosis sooner.

The second small-ish mistake I made was spending a full year with a Nurse Practitioner who specialized in monitored infertility treatment cycles.  I really liked her as a person, she was always very upbeat and optimistic about our chances with monitored cycles on Clomid (and eventually Follistim), but in the end, we didn't really get anywhere.  The Follistim cycle never should have happened, and the only real progress we made with her was getting the HSG done.  We should have cycled with her for 6 months maximum, and then requested an RE referreral.  We ended up with a lot of canceled cycles and a lot of disappointment that probably could have been avoided.

Overall, I don't think those changes would have added up to making a huge difference, especially that it would really only take a few months off of this almost 3 year process.  But ask anyone with infertility who is trying to conceive, and those few months are precious time that was wasted, and wasting time sucks.

Blog Challenge Day 6: Biggest Infertility Pet Peeve

When it comes to infertility related pet peeves, I have sooo many.  Obviously there are the classic cliches - everyone knows how annoying it is to hear "you just need to relax," "want one of mine?" "you're lucky because you can still sleep in late, go out drinking, etc." or my favorite, "are you sure you're doing it right?" (Um, yes.  I've had some practice.  I'm pretty sure I know which of our parts are supposed to go together to make a baby - hint:  his thing does NOT go in your belly button.  You're welcome).  But the thing that irritates me the most is when people suggest that we jump ahead to treatment that we might not need or that isn't on our radar yet.

I can't even count the number of times I've had well meaning people say they would be a surrogate for us.  I know they say with with good intentions (and it's usually in a joking manner as well), but it really offends me.  We haven't even done our first IVF yet.  As of now, we don't have any evidence that my uterus can't support a baby - we have a sperm meeting egg problem, not a uterus problem.  If that changes, then we'll be open to exploring other options.  Surrogacy is such an amazing gift, and if it ever comes to that, I'll be so happy to know that there are people I could turn to (although let's be real, I'd go through an agency), but at this time, it's not appropriate to offer or suggest.  So far, I've had a gentle approach when it comes to handling the "offers" - we're not at that point yet, but thanks.  It's only a matter of time before I start getting snarky about it - that might be the only way that people realize it's NOT COOL.

Along the same lines, I've heard so many times about how we should "just adopt."  Adopting isn't something you "just" do - it takes a lot of thought and soul searching, a lot of patience, and a lot of money to bring a child into your home as your own.  It's great when couples feel compelled to adopt, that their family wouldn't be complete if they didn't.  Right now, that's not us.  And the most annoying part of "just adopt" is when it comes from fertile couples, with biological children of their own, who have no interest in practicing what they preach.  B and I are at a point in our lives where, first and foremost, we're pursuing treatment that will hopefully result in us having a child who is biologically related to us (as I said before, if that doesn't end up working out, we're open to exploring other options).  When people who have biological children suggest that we adopt, it feels like they're saying that we don't deserve that biological connection.  Obviously I know that isn't usually the intent, but it certainly does not feel like a supportive suggestion in that circumstance.  I would love to turn around and ask the people suggesting we adopt why they haven't.  I can only imagine how they would respond (I'm sure not favorably).

I'm not sure what it is about opening up about fertility issues that makes outsiders think they know the answers.  It's so annoying to constantly listen to their misguided attempts to solve problems that they aren't educated about, or to the advice that they so freely give out that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.  It's disappointing to see so many articles and blog posts about what not to say to someone who has struggled with infertility, especially considering that so many people still say all of those thoughtless, insensitive things.  And then we (infertiles) get the reputation of being bitter.  You'd be bitter too if people said stupid shit to you all the time and you had to grin and bear it.

</rant>

Also, please go check out Mercurial's blog.  She has been participating in this challenge with me, and she is such an amazing, eloquent woman.  Go show her some love.

Blog Challenge Day 5: Infertility Mantras and Quotes and IVF update

Because some day, I hope to find the beauty in everything that we've been through.

I am really good at imagining everything that could go wrong in any given situation.  This has been my mantra to keep myself from jumping to worst case scenarios.  

*****IVF Update:  this week, we signed the consent forms for our IVF cycle, we did our injections training, and I had the polyps (or whatever that yuck inside my uterus was) removed.  The hysteroscopy/polypectomy was really not a terrible procedure.  Going into it, I was mostly nervous about the general anesthetic, but I was very lucky and didn't end up having any bad side effects.  I thought I would be anxious all day leading up to the procedure, but I managed to stay zen about the whole thing, and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I'm glad I had this experience with the anesthesia, because now I won't be stressed to be under general anesthesia for the egg retrieval.

I managed to not embarrass myself too much while under the anesthesia - I may have said something to my RE about how hungry I was (I hadn't eaten in over 16 hours ... that's not pleasant), and I told the nurse in recovery that I hoped I didn't snore (and she assured me I didn't, which was very sweet of her, although I'm not sure I believe her).  By the time I was wheeled back to my room and B came in, I was pretty much awake.  I haven't had much pain from the procedure aside from a little bit of cramps here and there.  The best part about the procedure is that I was given pictures of the inside of my uterus.  It's pretty awesome for a science nerd like me.

I think my post-op appointment will be lumped in with my baseline monitoring appointment in a couple of weeks.  In the meantime, I'll be seeing the other RE with the practice on Monday for my trial embryo transfer and I'll be starting Lupron that night.  Now that we're getting closer to the injections/stimulation stage, it feels like this cycle is going very quickly, and we're getting really close to the good parts.  This progress is super exciting!

Blog Challenge Day 4: Dream Vacation

Question four:  If money wasn't an issue, what would your dream vacation be?

I have never been out of the country, so one of my main goals for a dream vacation would be a location outside of the US.  I have always wanted to see the "pretty ocean" - you know, the one where the water is varying shades of turquoise, with white sand beaches that aren't full of dead jellyfish.  Just like that.  I think somewhere like Turks and Caicos would be a great destination.

I would also love to visit Canada.  Yes, it's much less exotic, but it's also more realistic, and it would have more sentimental value.  One of my best friends lives in Canada, and I would love to go visit her (it would actually be our first time meeting - we met through a shared wedding month on a wedding planning website, became friends on FB, and the friendship grew from there).  She's been my infertility mentor for a while now, and she's sincerely one of the nicest, most genuine people I know.  Even though the sites might not be as exotic, it would be a lot more meaningful to me.

My favorite past vacation that I would love to revisit (with a few slight alterations) is our honeymoon road trip.  B and I took a little over a week and drove to Atlanta, Orlando, Jacksonville Beach, and back home.  It was a long trip, and B got pretty sick of driving by the end of it, but we had so much fun.  If we had the chance to take this vacation again (and I hope we will), I would want to spend some time in Nashville on our way down, then stop in Atlanta, visit Disney and Universal (I have to see the new Harry Potter Diagon Alley!!), and then head west and visit Tampa maybe, instead of Jacksonville.

Really, the most important factor in my dream vacation is that I'm spending quality time with B.  We have a lot of fun together, and he makes every vacation extra special with his planned outings and adventures.

Blog Challenge Day 3: Infertility Playlist

The prompt for day 3 is:  share a few songs that are on your infertility playlist.  I am a little bit of a music nerd - I don't play or write music or anything, I just really love music and often spend full days listening to my Pandora or Spotify playlists, getting lost in it.  There are so many songs that I relate to infertility, here are just a few of my favorites.

Whitley - More Than Life

I think the chorus sums it up perfectly - "I want this more than life."  The rest of the lyrics are really great as well.

Paramore - Last Hope

This song made it on my radar this summer after we saw Paramore in concert.  The song was written at a time when Hayley, the lead singer, was running out of steam with the constant touring, but the lyrics speak to so much more than that.  I love the opening line, as I've felt the same way so many times - "I don't even know myself at all, thought I would be happy by now," but the part that really gets me is the chorus - "it's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going."  That little spark of hope is what keeps me motivated when I feel fed up with treatment, and this song is a reminder to keep looking for that spark of hope.

Jon McLaughlin - We All Need Saving

This is my go to "in-a-crummy-mood-and-just-want-to-cry" song.  It's about feeling lost in the negative feelings and feeling alone, but remembering you're not the first person to feel that way, and sometimes we all need to lean on someone else.  Infertility can feel like such a huge, never ending burden, and sometimes, you just need to let someone help you out and get out of a funk.

Blog Challenge Day 2: Rituals/Superstitions

Okay, time for day 2 of the 30 day challenge.  I'll be honest, I didn't have a great answer for this one, I was more intersested in hearing about other people's answers, so my apologies in advance for the response. :$

Do you have any rituals or superstitions that you feel bring you good luck for appointments?

Does overthinking everything count as a ritual?  Haha.  The only ritual that I have followed through with regularly is wearing my Origami Owl hope necklace to every appointment.  Once in a while, I wear orange clothes or socks because Twitter taught me that orange is the color of the fertility chakra, but so far, it hasn't brought me any extra fertile vibes.  I need to get into the habit of listening to my Circle + Bloom meditations regularly, but I've definitely been slacking in that department.  As far as superstitions go, I always wish at 11:11 and touch blue (11:11, make a wish, touch something blue and it will come true), but that's pretty much where my rituals and superstitions end.

Are there any fun rituals or superstitions that I should adopt?  I'm always interested in trying new things! :)

Blog Challenge Day 1: 7 Things About Me

Woo hoo! Day one of the 30 day challenge!  I wasn't thinking this through when I came up with this list - I just did a 28 things about me post for my birthday a few months ago.  D'oh!  I tried my best to not repeat things (it wasn't easy!).

1. I have never had surgery or broken a bone before.  This will change when I have my hysteroscopy later this week. (I'm nervous!)
2. I rarely drink alcohol.  I have never been drunk.  It's just never been something that I was really interested in.  Same goes for "recreational" drugs.  Never tried them, never want to.
3. I love dancing, but I'm not good at it. My lack of dance skillz doesn't stop me from tearing it up on the dance floor (aka my living room with all of the shades pulled so nobody can see me).
4. I'm not a fan of Halloweeen, but if I were, my go-to costumes would be:  Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus (because of my similar frizzy hair), Marge Simpson (because of my yellow-ish skin tone), or Wilma Flintstone (because of our shared love of top knots).
5. I am a geek.  I love Harry Potter (I'm a Hufflepuff) and Doctor Who.  I sometimes read comic books (I like Alex + Ada, Sex Criminals, and the Buffy/Angel books).   I've been to 3 comic conventions.
6. I love drawing/doodling, painting and practicing hand lettering.  I try to keep our kitchen white board updated with different seasonally themed quotes or random song lyrics.  If I had better skills, I would try to sell my work at craft fairs or on Etsy. 
7. My blog URL, email, and twitter handle are all variations of I love you potato.  It's a wink at B, who says silly, random things when he talks in his sleep.  He called me potato, but he's the potato one.

So there you have it, 7 (more) things about me.  Review the challenge list here, and join in the fun!

Introducing: the 30 Day Challenge

Earlier this month, I started toying with the idea of doing a 30 day blogging challenge, focusing on the topic of infertility.  I've been an epic failure at keeping up this blog, and a challenge is my way of forcing myself to write.  After looking through some previous challenges and some brainstorming, I have compiled a list of 30 topics to write about - one for each day of September - that will hopefully be interesting and entertaining.  I would love to have friends in this challenge, so if you're interested, link your blog in the comments :).

Here are the questions/topics:

1. Let's start off kind of easy.  List 7 things about yourself so we can get to know you better.
2. Do you have any rituals or superstitions that you feel bring you good luck for appointments?
3. Share a few songs that are on your infertility playlist.
4. If money wasn't an issue, what would your dream vacation be?
5. Share your infertility mantra and/or quotes that you like.
6. I know there are millions, but what is your number one infertility related pet peeve?
7. If you could go back and change one minor event in your infertility journey, what would it be?
8. How has infertility changed you?
9. Share your favorite fertility friendly recipe or your go-to infertility comfort food.
10. What is one positive thing going on in your life right now?
11. What creative ways to get organized or document/track your treatment cycles have you used or seen?
12. #IFproblems - Tell us an embarrassing or silly story about the crazy infertility related things you've done or experienced.
13. Tell us about your hobbies and life outside of infertility.
14. What characteristics/traits/values do you hope to instill in your (future) child(ren)?
15. Write an open letter to anyone.  It can be infertility related or not, just get what you need off your chest.
16. What is your favorite children's story?
17. What are your go-to sources for infertility resources, information, and support?
18. Share 5 guilty (or not-so-guilty) pleasures that help you get through bad days.
19. Describe your perfect day.
20. Tell us about something you are passionate about.
21. Infertility can make marriage not so fun.  What tips and tricks do you have to keep your marriage fresh?
22. Partners are sometimes lost in the infertility shuffle.  Share a few things that you appreciate and love about your partner.
23. I think we've all seen the obnoxious "I make babies, what's your superpower?" meme.  Share your infertility superpower.
24. TTC, BFN, IVF - infertility is full of difficult to decipher acronyms.  Come up with a new infertility acronym to add to the list. 
25. Share your best advice to a person newly diagnosed with infertility or for a family member or friend of a person newly diagnosed with infertility.
26. Describe a new invention or app that would make life easier/better for infertiles.
27. Share an outfit that makes you look and feel awesome, even when you're having a blah day.
28. What are some ways that you raise infertility awareness in your day-to-day life?
29. Tell us 5 things that are on your bucket list.
30. Share an infertility related blog that you enjoy reading.

I tried to select topics that were general enough to be written about at any stage of infertility, and I also tried to be extra sensitive so as not to offend anyone.  If there are any topics that you think are questionable, please don't hesitate to let me know!  Thanks, and I hope you join and enjoy!

IVF so far

I'll get straight to the point - it hasn't been a picnic.  But that's an understatement.  Obviously, going into IVF, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  I also stupidly didn't think it would be such a shit-show.  As it stands right now, about a quarter of the way through (halfway through the BCP/down-regulating cycle), more things have gone wrong than right.  Fuck. Me.

It started going south from the very beginning.  One of my results from the day 3 lab was flagged as abnormal.  My prolactin was very slightly elevated at 25.9 (they don't want it to be higher than 25).  I had to have a fasting retest a couple of days later, and that result came back well within normal parameters.  It was a relief that I didn't need further testing, but the added stress wasn't appreciated at all.

And then came the appointment scheduling difficulties.  It was brought to my attention at the lab appointment that I needed to have a sonohysterogram (saline sonogram) and trial embyro transfer done.  Even though both procedures are pretty close to the same thing, they couldn't be done at the same appointment, which is a bit of a pain in the ass for someone who doesn't drive.  Things were made more complicated when the best time to schedule the appointments was during a week when B needed to travel for work.  Eventually, I got everything figured out and booked for a Tuesday and Wednesday.  My sisters had plans to spend the week at our house while B was gone, and  they were sweet enough to drive my pedestrian ass to the appointment (note:  not plural.  Keep reading).  The SHG showed a few possible polyps, so the trial transfer the following day was canceled, and a hysteroscopic polypectomy was scheduled for the first week in September.  The surgery is necessary - not removing the polyps decreases our chances of a successful IVF by two thirds, but it wasn't on our radar at all, a complete curveball.  Not only did the surgery produce two extra appointments to schedule (3, if you count rescheduling the trial transfer), it brings an unexpected expense along with it.  I spent a bit of time today trying to find out just how much this surgery is going to cost us, and the answer is:  more than we'd like.  We'll already be meeting our deductible, thanks to the IVF medications, and with this surgery, we'll also be meeting our out of pocket maximum payment.  Overall, it'll only (ha!) cost us maybe $2,000, but it's extra money we hadn't anticipated on spending (and that we don't really have), and it's freaking us out.

I ran into a little more difficulty with appointment scheduling this morning, when I called to set up our injection training session and consent signing.  I was hoping to sneak both appointments in around the time that we have our pre-op appointment, but I was only able to schedule the injection training for the same day.  I'm hoping that our RE will be kind enough to let us do the consent signing at the pre-op appointment and save B from missing more work, but I have a feeling that won't work out.

And finally, to top it all off, there were some issues with the IVF med prescriptions.  They were originally called into the specialty pharmacy I had used for our IUI cycles.  I had good experiences with them and thought this would be an easy process.  Then I found out that the only way to have the specialty meds applied toward our health deductible and co-insurance is to have them filled by an insurance approved pharmacy.  All of the prescriptions (15 pages of them) had to be transferred to a new pharmacy.  When the first pharmacy tried to transfer them via fax, only the first page came through, so that created another problem, but that was eventually sorted by the pharmacy representatives helping with my order.  By going through the hassle of having the prescriptions transferred, we were able to save quite a bit of money, so the extra stress from transferring ended up being worth it.

Hopefully all of the issues we've faced so far aren't foreshadowing a completely shitty cycle.  I just can't let that happen - all of this nonsense needs to pay off.  If it doesn't, I'll probably lose my mind (what's left of it, anyway).

Keeping Private Things Private

This topic has been on my mind (and in my drafts folder) for a while now, and as we're inching closer to starting our first IVF cycle, I felt like it was time I finally write this out.  I'm pretty sure that anyone who has documented their experiences with infertility has dealt with this dilemma - I want to share my story, but this is also a sensitive time and equally sensitive subject, and there are things that I'd like to keep private.

Figuring out the balance of sharing vs. keeping private is especially difficult because we're pretty "out" about our experiences with infertility and treatment.  Both of our immediate families are mostly aware of what we're going through, as are some close friends, and anyone who has been following along here or on Twitter.  Oh, and anyone who read B's blog post last fall that he shared on Facebook.  So I guess that means there are quite a few people who have some knowledge about our infertility.  For a long time, I really didn't mind sharing (over-sharing, even) the details of our treatment cycles, what next steps were, and so on.  But as we're getting deeper into treatment, I'm finding myself wanting to hold some things back, sharing a little less, including a few less details.

The major bit of information that I'm most cautious about sharing is the outcome of the cycle.  I'm still debating how and when I would share if the cycle is a success (if it's a failure, there's a pretty good chance I'll be bitching about it), but I think it's a decision that will be made by B and I when we get closer to finding out the results.  In the meantime, I think I'm going to stick with my current method of sharing - talking about real details with close family and friends, and sharing more broad information on social media and such (not in real-time).  Hopefully this plan works out, and we'll be able to continue sharing and getting support while still maintaining a bit of privacy during this crazy time.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Holy crap, I am awful at regular updates (duh, Captain Obvious).  I don't even have an excuse for not posting - I'm home all the time, our internet connection is *usually* fine, and I even have stuff to write about finally!  I'm just terribly lazy about updating, and I really hope to work on posting more frequently (but let's be real, given my track record, it probably won't happen.  Sorry).

Anyway, I said there was news, so ...

When I last left off, we were on a treatment break of indefinite length so we could attempt to save money for an IVF cycle, and I was super bummed and disappointed.  Since then, things have changed.

A few weeks ago, I called our insurance company to find out how much of our limited infertility coverage we had left after 3 IUIs.  (Quick recap:  our insurance provided coverage for infertility treatment/procedures with a lifetime limit of $15,000.)  In a super rare occurrence, something actually went right for us.  Our policy changed in January, and we no longer have an infertility coverage limit - everything is covered, we'll only be responsible for the office visit co-pays.  Instead of having to wait for at least a year (probably closer to 2 years), we can move on with IVF at some point in 2014!

I had a phone consult with our RE about next steps two weeks ago, and that went exactly as I thought it would.  Dr. H wasn't pushy about moving on to IVF, but she definitely made it clear that she didn't think IUI with injections would be successful.  She laid out the basic outlines of how IVF cycles are done at the clinic, gave me the list of the medications I would be using (Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur), and reassured me that given my past responses to medications, she thinks I'll be on lower doses of the meds (which will hopefully result in a slightly lower pharmacy bill).

As it stands now, we still have some saving to do - specialty medications aren't covered under our insurance plan, and they definitely aren't cheap.  There are a few discount programs available for out of pocket patients that I've applied for, which would help us get even closer to our IVF cycle.  With any luck, we're hoping to start the process around September.  B wants to take advantage of our insurance miracle before they change their minds and decide to take away our infertility coverage next year (but hopefully that won't happen). :)

So that's pretty much everything infertility-related that's been happening around here.  It sounds kind of crazy, but I'm really looking forward to starting IVF.  Mostly I think I'm just happy to see some light in this damn tunnel.

Now What?

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of weeks now - I figured it was about time to hit publish.

Now what do we do?  That's the big question on our minds these days.  I think it's safe to say that B and I never expected be in this position.  Our third and final attempt at IUI failed, and now we have to think about next steps.  Ugh.

Based on our RE's recommendations when we first started pursuing treatment with her, I think it's pretty safe to guess that she's really going to push IVF with ICSI if we want to continue with treatment.  While I appreciate that our best chances lie in that procedure, the price tag that comes with it is really problematic.  At our consult in October, we were given an estimate of $17,000 plus up to $5,000 in medication to do an IVF/ICSI cycle.  To say that we can't afford that is an understatement, and that's not going to change any time soon.

We still have some money left in our insurance allowance for infertility coverage, but it's not nearly enough to cover a full cycle, and specialty medications have to be paid out of pocket.  I've used a few different resources to find grants for treatment (which I realize are very competitive and it's unlikely that we would actually get one), and I've found a whopping three that are available to people nationwide.  The others that I came across were only for residents of certain states or cities.   It's kind of sad, really.

So now we're in that lovely state of limbo, which leaves me in the state of extremely disappointed.  I hate being broken.

28 Things About Me

Since today is my birthday, I thought I would celebrate 28 with a list of 28 things about me.

1. I don't drive, and I've never had a driver's license.  It freaks me out, I'm a big chicken.
2. The only piercing I have ever had/will ever have is my nose.  I can't get my ears pierced because of a genetic thing.
3. My mom and I have the same middle name.
4. I have never travelled outside of the United States.  I don't have a passport or a pass card.
5. I get most (probably all) of my news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
6. The first concert I ever went to was NSYNC at the local 4-H fair.
7. The most recent concert I've been to was Mumford & Sons.
8. I've seen Joshua Radin in concert 4 times.
9. I can't handle scary movies or (most) scary TV shows, but I love reading scary books.
10. I frequently have very strange, vivid dreams that I remember in the morning.  One of my most recent involved a narwhal that apparently lived in the river near our house.
11. I frequently watch ghost hunting TV shows even though I know they're incredibly fake. My favorite fake ghost hunters are the Ghost Adventures Crew.  I call them the Ghost Douches.
12. When I was in 5th grade, I learned about the paranormal, and I thought it was the most interesting stuff ever.  I used to look things up in the encyclopedia and other books, and when we finally got internet at our house (when I was in high school), I printed tons and tons of pages about strange things.
13. I was a really weird kid. I'm still kind of an oddball.
14. There is no sport that I don't find completely boring.
15. I do marathons ... On Netflix.  I have recently finished Buffy, Angel, Private Practice, and Dance Academy.  I am currently working on watching One Tree Hill.
16. While marathon watching TV shows, I frequently yell at the characters when they do stupid shit (which happens all the time).  I still find it very interesting.
17. I think my dream job would be owning a stationery store, but it would be a bad idea - I would spend all of my profits on pretty stationery.
18. I have a ridiculous obsession with paper products. 
19. I have very particular preferences for my writing utensils.  My favorite pen is the Pilot P-500.  All the rest are garbage.
20. I have naturally curly hair, and unlike many curly girls, I actually love my curls.  I went through a straightening phase in high school, but it was short-lived.
21. I do terrible impressions - my "best" is the Target lady (Kristin Wiig) from SNL.
22. My favorite movie genre is comedy, and my favorite comedies feature women being hilarious. Bridesmaids, Pitch Perfect, and Baby Mama are my top 3.
23. I read the last Harry Potter book in less than 12 hours. 
24. When I was in middle school, I decided I wanted to major in psychology in college, and then I did (and I miss it).
25. If we weren't super poor with thousands of dollars in student loan debt, I would get my Master's degree in counseling.
26. I'm not really a fan of small town living.  I always dreamed of living in a big city like Chicago.
27. Last summer went to my first comic convention, and I actually liked it.
28. Thinking of 28 things about myself was kind of hard (that's what she said).

So there it is, a list of 28 things about me.  This list has made me realize how much of a weirdo I am ... :)

Third Time's a Charm?

First of all, it's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted anything.  My bad.  I don't even have an excuse for my absence - I wrote posts, I just never got around to publishing them.  Whoops.  Moving on ...

Our second IUI didn't work, and that really sucked, because I had a really good feeling.  Things seemed to improve with the second cycle, despite a slight hiccup in the beginning (at my CD3 ultrasound, my lining hadn't thinned enough, so I had to delay the meds by a day).  I had a slightly better response to the Letrozole this time - I had one almost ready follicle at my mid-cycle ultrasound, B gave me the trigger shot (his first time!) 2 days after the mid-cycle, and we did the IUI 36 hours later.  My progesterone level at 7dpo was 42 this time (last time it was 35), and I was feeling really reflux-y toward the end of the 2 week wait, which really got my hopes up.  Unfortunately the beta came back negative, with a value of 2.

B and I both decided we would rather just try again right away, so when AF arrived, I called the RE's office and went in on Tuesday to get the all clear to start meds this week.  My mid-cycle scan is scheduled for next Friday, and with any luck, we'll be going in for our 3rd IUI early the following week.  It feels like things are moving really fast this time, but I think it's because I'm so used to taking a month off between cycles.  I'm so glad we decided to just move forward this time.

Other exciting things that have been happening:  we decided to spend our tax refund money on a new sofa.  We love our new Karlstad sectional.  We went on a mini-getaway this weekend to Minneapolis.  B went to WWE events 3 nights in a row (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday).  I finally finished the entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and I ended up enjoying the show more than I thought I would).  I made some progress on my Project Life album, but I'm still kind of behind.  I think that's pretty much everything.

Lucky 7

Seven years ago today B, asked me if I maybe wanted to go out with him sometime or something (which was clearly code for "you + me = true love. Be with me forever?") - we started dating, and we haven't looked back.

We've been through a lot in the last 7 years, but we've made it through together.  Here's hoping that this year will be a lucky one.

I love you, potato. Xoxo

It's CD35 and I'm Pissed [updated]

I am sooooo pissed at my uterus.

My previous 3 cycles have all been 30 days (the first 2 were natural, the most recent was after stopping the vag progesterone), but apparently I was stupid to think my body was finally cooperating.  I don't know if I should blame this wonky cycle on the progesterone from last cycle or on the 3-4 lbs I gained back (after losing 13).  Either way, I'm angry that things aren't going the way they were supposed to - again.

I'm planning on calling the RE's office today, and hopefully they'll call in a prescription for Provera so we can get this show on the road (and by "get this show on the road," I mean wait 2.5 weeks for AF so we can finally move on).  I thought I could expect AF this morning, because all day yesterday and last night, I was exhausted and experiencing some really intense cramps.  I was wrong though, no signs at all today.  So now, everything is pushed back to starting in the middle of February, and we've lost another month.

I'm so sick of constantly fighting all of these elements that are outside of my control, and I'm especially sick of constantly feeling like I'm losing.  It's not supposed to be this hard!  Ugh.


Updated at 7:15 pm:  Apparently all it took was a temper tantrum, because right before I called the RE, I started spotting.  Tomorrow is definitely CD1, and things seem to be back on track, at least for the moment.

Blocked

I've been meaning to write a new post pretty much since I published the last one, but I had been having a hard time coming up with things to ramble about - blogger's block.  I started a couple of drafts, left them, came back to re-read them, realized they were crap, started over, and the vicious cycle kept repeating.  It didn't help that life has been very tame and boring lately (not always a bad thing, but it certainly doesn't lend itself to create interesting blog posts).  In an effort to finally get something posted, here's a brain dump about what has and hasn't been happening lately.

We're coming up on the end of a natural cycle, and I'm pretty sure I'll be back on the drugs next cycle if everything works out in our favor.  I'm on CD23, and if this cycle is like the previous 3, I should expect AF toward the end of next week.  I'm kind of hoping that AF is either a couple of days early or a couple of days late so that we don't have any issues with the timing of IUI 2.0.  If I have another 30 day cycle and my reaction to the meds is the same as last cycle, IUI day would be during one of B's busiest work days - which would probably result in us having to cancel.  It would be so much better for both of us if it would land on a less busy day so he could use a vacation day.  Crossing fingers things go our way!

Christmas is finally over for us - my sisters came to visit on their way home from their friend's house, dropping off and picking up the last of the gifts for our family's secret Santa gift exchange.  My Santa (my dad, with the help of my mom and sisters) gave me some really awesome gifts - name art of our last name and frames for the photos (like this, except our last name is so long we needed 2 frames), mint candy bars from Seroogy's, and (my favorite gift, the #1 thing on my wish list) a Project Life core kit (Kraft edition) and page protectors.  I'm really looking forward to using the kit to make our family yearbook.  I've been taking a bunch of pictures (not easy, given the current dullness of life) and I've been filling out planning pages for my layouts because I'm a nerd.  The only downside to the Project Life kit is I have some extras that I need to buy in order to make it work - a bigger pack of page protectors and an album (the PL page protectors don't fit in the red linen album I already have).  I also bought some partial kits from eBay so I have a nice variety.  These extras are not helping me work toward spending less money ... Anyway.  B was pretty pleased with his gifts too.  His secret Santa was one of my younger sisters, and she bought him two games - Settlers of Catan and Zombie Dice.  B loves having game nights at our house (or at our friend's house), so they were perfect gifts for him.  He also got Seroogy's mint candy bars.  Apparently our gifts were very well received as well (B bought for my dad, I bought for my sister-in-law), so Christmas was a hit.  I'm glad it's finally over now.

I had an emotional few days last week when my parents had to put one of their dogs down.  I think it's been extra rough because it was completely unexpected - she ate a frozen stick and it didn't break down, causing damage that couldn't be repaired .  She was only 8 years old, we got her and her sister when they were puppies, and she was such a sweet dog - it was a pretty devastating loss for my family, especially my dad.  They've been spoiling their other dog rotten to help heal their hearts, which is good for all of them.

B has been crazy busy at work the last few weeks, staying late, working on weekends, and bringing work home with him (hence the whole lotta nothing we've been doing lately.  Well, that and we're poor).  This new computer system they're using at work is really stressing him (and most of his co-workers) out, so he's been pretty tense  and a little cranky lately.  He managed to catch a cold (I'm guessing due to stress) and he was kind enough to share it with me, and it's miserable.

I'm off to a slow start on my goals for the new year.  It's a good thing I have the entire year to work on them!

So yeah, that's pretty much the whole update.  I'm hoping for some good excitement to come our way soon - this is just getting too boring!