Blog Challenge Day 9: Infertility Comfort Food

I'm not great at eating healthy, but I am pretty great at creating extremely unhealthy, high calorie desserts that come in handy when you want to eat your feelings after a BFN.  One of my more recent and most popular creations was a cake I named Eat Your Feelings cake.  It's a pretty simple recipe - basically a customized poke cake using boxed cake mix.

Ingredients:
Triple Fudge Cake Mix (and ingredients to prepare - eggs, oil, water)
Chocolate Syrup
Whipped Cream
Crushed Andes Mints

Direction:
Prepare the boxed cake mix as directed.  Poke holes into the top of the cake, drizzle with chocolate syrup.  Doing this while the cake is still warm helps the syrup melt into the holes.  Let cake cool, then frost with whipped cream.  Drizzle more chocolate sauce over the whipped cream and top with Andes mints.  Store in refrigerator.0

One of the best parts of this cake is that it's super easy to customize.  If you don't like Andes mints, replace them with your favorite crushed candy.  Chocolate syrup can be swapped for caramel sauce if so desired.  The possibilities are endless and delicious!

Blog Challenge Day 8: How Infertility Has Changed Me

Today's post is another thinker (I probably should have planned that a little better):  How has infertility changed you?

I'll start with the positives:

• It's made me understand how my reproductive system works (or mostly doesn't).  After more dates with the vag cam than I can count, and many hours consulting Dr. Google and infertility forums, I feel like I've earned a degree in Infertility Studies.  I've learned a new vocabulary filled with medical jargon and random acronyms, I've seen my uterus via ultrasound as well as photos of the inside thanks to my hysteroscopy, and I've learned so much about hormones and their role in the reproductive process.  I can explain most of the ART procedures pretty well in layman's terms, and I'm really proud of the knowledge that I've gained in this process.
• I've become more comfortable calling doctor's offices on the phone.  I used to be a nervous nelly when it came to making phone calls.  My mom was calling as me to make appointments even after I got married.  Ridiculous.  Scheduling a gazillion appointments has made me much more confident in my phone skills.
• It's made me overcome my needle phobia.  All of the lab work set up a good foundation of me becoming more comfortable with needles, and then I was thrown into the fire when we tried a Follistim cycle.  I cried for probably 15-20 minutes before giving myself my first injection, and when it was done, I laughed because it really wasn't bad at all.  Intramuscular injections were a new hurdle, but I think I've become a bit of a pro at this point.

And of course there are some negatives as well:

• I'm kind of bitter and jealous.  Just a little.  Haha.
• I've lost my innocence in regards to pregnancy.  I've seen too many friends experience losses at various points in their pregnancies, and now I know that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean a baby will be coming home in 9 months.

I'm sure there are many other ways that infertility has changed me.  B claims that it's made me more mean toward him, but I don't know if that's true ... maybe just sometimes :).  The Clomid (and maybe the Lupron) made me do it.

Blog Challenge Day 7: Changing the Past

Today's question is a bit of a thinker:  If you could go back and change one minor event in your infertility journey, what would it be?

I think in a lot of circumstances, there are always several things that people would want to change - hindsight being 20/20 and whatnot.  It's difficult for me to think of only one small thing I would change - there are two moments that I think were mistakes that shaped our journey.  The first mistake I made was not questioning my General Practitioner when she told me there was no reason for my irregular cycles and that my blood hormone results were normal.  I should have asked for a referral to someone who could get to the root of the problem.  By making the minor change of speaking up when I felt my concerns weren't being heard, we could have moved on to treatment and a diagnosis sooner.

The second small-ish mistake I made was spending a full year with a Nurse Practitioner who specialized in monitored infertility treatment cycles.  I really liked her as a person, she was always very upbeat and optimistic about our chances with monitored cycles on Clomid (and eventually Follistim), but in the end, we didn't really get anywhere.  The Follistim cycle never should have happened, and the only real progress we made with her was getting the HSG done.  We should have cycled with her for 6 months maximum, and then requested an RE referreral.  We ended up with a lot of canceled cycles and a lot of disappointment that probably could have been avoided.

Overall, I don't think those changes would have added up to making a huge difference, especially that it would really only take a few months off of this almost 3 year process.  But ask anyone with infertility who is trying to conceive, and those few months are precious time that was wasted, and wasting time sucks.

Blog Challenge Day 6: Biggest Infertility Pet Peeve

When it comes to infertility related pet peeves, I have sooo many.  Obviously there are the classic cliches - everyone knows how annoying it is to hear "you just need to relax," "want one of mine?" "you're lucky because you can still sleep in late, go out drinking, etc." or my favorite, "are you sure you're doing it right?" (Um, yes.  I've had some practice.  I'm pretty sure I know which of our parts are supposed to go together to make a baby - hint:  his thing does NOT go in your belly button.  You're welcome).  But the thing that irritates me the most is when people suggest that we jump ahead to treatment that we might not need or that isn't on our radar yet.

I can't even count the number of times I've had well meaning people say they would be a surrogate for us.  I know they say with with good intentions (and it's usually in a joking manner as well), but it really offends me.  We haven't even done our first IVF yet.  As of now, we don't have any evidence that my uterus can't support a baby - we have a sperm meeting egg problem, not a uterus problem.  If that changes, then we'll be open to exploring other options.  Surrogacy is such an amazing gift, and if it ever comes to that, I'll be so happy to know that there are people I could turn to (although let's be real, I'd go through an agency), but at this time, it's not appropriate to offer or suggest.  So far, I've had a gentle approach when it comes to handling the "offers" - we're not at that point yet, but thanks.  It's only a matter of time before I start getting snarky about it - that might be the only way that people realize it's NOT COOL.

Along the same lines, I've heard so many times about how we should "just adopt."  Adopting isn't something you "just" do - it takes a lot of thought and soul searching, a lot of patience, and a lot of money to bring a child into your home as your own.  It's great when couples feel compelled to adopt, that their family wouldn't be complete if they didn't.  Right now, that's not us.  And the most annoying part of "just adopt" is when it comes from fertile couples, with biological children of their own, who have no interest in practicing what they preach.  B and I are at a point in our lives where, first and foremost, we're pursuing treatment that will hopefully result in us having a child who is biologically related to us (as I said before, if that doesn't end up working out, we're open to exploring other options).  When people who have biological children suggest that we adopt, it feels like they're saying that we don't deserve that biological connection.  Obviously I know that isn't usually the intent, but it certainly does not feel like a supportive suggestion in that circumstance.  I would love to turn around and ask the people suggesting we adopt why they haven't.  I can only imagine how they would respond (I'm sure not favorably).

I'm not sure what it is about opening up about fertility issues that makes outsiders think they know the answers.  It's so annoying to constantly listen to their misguided attempts to solve problems that they aren't educated about, or to the advice that they so freely give out that makes me want to bang my head against a wall.  It's disappointing to see so many articles and blog posts about what not to say to someone who has struggled with infertility, especially considering that so many people still say all of those thoughtless, insensitive things.  And then we (infertiles) get the reputation of being bitter.  You'd be bitter too if people said stupid shit to you all the time and you had to grin and bear it.

</rant>

Also, please go check out Mercurial's blog.  She has been participating in this challenge with me, and she is such an amazing, eloquent woman.  Go show her some love.

Blog Challenge Day 5: Infertility Mantras and Quotes and IVF update

Because some day, I hope to find the beauty in everything that we've been through.

I am really good at imagining everything that could go wrong in any given situation.  This has been my mantra to keep myself from jumping to worst case scenarios.  

*****IVF Update:  this week, we signed the consent forms for our IVF cycle, we did our injections training, and I had the polyps (or whatever that yuck inside my uterus was) removed.  The hysteroscopy/polypectomy was really not a terrible procedure.  Going into it, I was mostly nervous about the general anesthetic, but I was very lucky and didn't end up having any bad side effects.  I thought I would be anxious all day leading up to the procedure, but I managed to stay zen about the whole thing, and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I'm glad I had this experience with the anesthesia, because now I won't be stressed to be under general anesthesia for the egg retrieval.

I managed to not embarrass myself too much while under the anesthesia - I may have said something to my RE about how hungry I was (I hadn't eaten in over 16 hours ... that's not pleasant), and I told the nurse in recovery that I hoped I didn't snore (and she assured me I didn't, which was very sweet of her, although I'm not sure I believe her).  By the time I was wheeled back to my room and B came in, I was pretty much awake.  I haven't had much pain from the procedure aside from a little bit of cramps here and there.  The best part about the procedure is that I was given pictures of the inside of my uterus.  It's pretty awesome for a science nerd like me.

I think my post-op appointment will be lumped in with my baseline monitoring appointment in a couple of weeks.  In the meantime, I'll be seeing the other RE with the practice on Monday for my trial embryo transfer and I'll be starting Lupron that night.  Now that we're getting closer to the injections/stimulation stage, it feels like this cycle is going very quickly, and we're getting really close to the good parts.  This progress is super exciting!

Blog Challenge Day 4: Dream Vacation

Question four:  If money wasn't an issue, what would your dream vacation be?

I have never been out of the country, so one of my main goals for a dream vacation would be a location outside of the US.  I have always wanted to see the "pretty ocean" - you know, the one where the water is varying shades of turquoise, with white sand beaches that aren't full of dead jellyfish.  Just like that.  I think somewhere like Turks and Caicos would be a great destination.

I would also love to visit Canada.  Yes, it's much less exotic, but it's also more realistic, and it would have more sentimental value.  One of my best friends lives in Canada, and I would love to go visit her (it would actually be our first time meeting - we met through a shared wedding month on a wedding planning website, became friends on FB, and the friendship grew from there).  She's been my infertility mentor for a while now, and she's sincerely one of the nicest, most genuine people I know.  Even though the sites might not be as exotic, it would be a lot more meaningful to me.

My favorite past vacation that I would love to revisit (with a few slight alterations) is our honeymoon road trip.  B and I took a little over a week and drove to Atlanta, Orlando, Jacksonville Beach, and back home.  It was a long trip, and B got pretty sick of driving by the end of it, but we had so much fun.  If we had the chance to take this vacation again (and I hope we will), I would want to spend some time in Nashville on our way down, then stop in Atlanta, visit Disney and Universal (I have to see the new Harry Potter Diagon Alley!!), and then head west and visit Tampa maybe, instead of Jacksonville.

Really, the most important factor in my dream vacation is that I'm spending quality time with B.  We have a lot of fun together, and he makes every vacation extra special with his planned outings and adventures.

Blog Challenge Day 3: Infertility Playlist

The prompt for day 3 is:  share a few songs that are on your infertility playlist.  I am a little bit of a music nerd - I don't play or write music or anything, I just really love music and often spend full days listening to my Pandora or Spotify playlists, getting lost in it.  There are so many songs that I relate to infertility, here are just a few of my favorites.

Whitley - More Than Life

I think the chorus sums it up perfectly - "I want this more than life."  The rest of the lyrics are really great as well.

Paramore - Last Hope

This song made it on my radar this summer after we saw Paramore in concert.  The song was written at a time when Hayley, the lead singer, was running out of steam with the constant touring, but the lyrics speak to so much more than that.  I love the opening line, as I've felt the same way so many times - "I don't even know myself at all, thought I would be happy by now," but the part that really gets me is the chorus - "it's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going."  That little spark of hope is what keeps me motivated when I feel fed up with treatment, and this song is a reminder to keep looking for that spark of hope.

Jon McLaughlin - We All Need Saving

This is my go to "in-a-crummy-mood-and-just-want-to-cry" song.  It's about feeling lost in the negative feelings and feeling alone, but remembering you're not the first person to feel that way, and sometimes we all need to lean on someone else.  Infertility can feel like such a huge, never ending burden, and sometimes, you just need to let someone help you out and get out of a funk.